This is a follow-up to the flashback sequence in "Cruel and Unusual" where we saw Jordan put a letter in the mail to Garret and get on a bus. On first glance, it seems like the writers contradicted themselves since we spent a season and a half hearing about the first time she got fired. But then it occurred to me that we don't KNOW for sure that it was a letter of resignation, and thus this little story was born. . .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jordan. . .
Alright. He's gone. Now I'm just going to kick back and relax and. . .
ring. . . ring
"Hello?"
"What are you doing with my husband?"
"What? Who is this?"
"Leave him alone."
And I hung up the phone. Not what my normal M.O. would be, but all of a sudden there was nothing "normal" about this situation! The very fact that she called has me completely thrown me off guard.
Oh my God! What have I done? There really is someone else involved in his life ~ someone who's real and who's actually being hurt by this. And I totally have to get out of this. I can't be responsible for hurting someone else. Even if I end up hurting myself in the process.
Ok, think. You can break up with him and never see him again. But we're bound to run into each other, I don't care how big Boston is. And I don't think I could take that. Seeing him and knowing that we couldn't be together. It would hurt too much because I l-. . .
Shit Jordan! You've really screwed up this time. Gone and fallen in love with him after you promised yourself. Promised yourself that you'd never fall in love ~ and you'd never be like her. And what have you gone and done? Gone and done exactly what she did ~ well, almost.
I've got to get out of here. Now! I don't know where I'll go ~ but I better figure something out FAST. And on not a lot of money. Think Jordan ~ who do you know that you could go stay with for a while who wouldn't ask too many questions. Maybe Aunt Laura down on the Carolina coast. I mean, she understands the background with Mom and everything. And I don't think she and Dad are in real close contact ~ I'll let him know where I am eventually, but not right now. I just need to get away. Yeah ~ that's it. I'll go visit Aunt Laura. I wonder if my cousin's around ~ that could be fun to hang with her for a while. Ok, got the address. Got my guitar. Got some clothes in a bag and I'm set to go.
Oh shit! Work. I've gotta tell Garret something. Call him? No way ~ he'd just try to stop me, make me wait a few days for vacation or something. I'll just write him a letter explaining that I had to leave town for a few weeks and I'll be in touch as soon as I can. That's it. I'll just drop it in the mailbox on the way to the bus station. . .
early the next morning in the Wilmington, NC bus station. . .
Well, that ride wasn't too bad. Who am I kidding? It sucked!! But I'm out of Boston and away from all that pain. Yeah, right. I can't believe how much it hurts. Never again ~ I swear I'm never going to let myself get out of control in a relationship EVER again! Ok, now to find a phone and call Aunt Laura. . .
"Hello?"
"May I speak with Laura Reilly please?"
"Speaking."
"Aunt Laura? It's Jordan. Jordan Cavan-. . ."
"Jordan? Sweetie it's great to hear from you! What's up?"
"I'm in Wilmington."
"North Carolina?"
"Yeah. I just. . .I'm on vacation and wondered if I could crash at your place for a couple of weeks or so. I'm sorry it's so last minute. It. . .well, it wasn't exactly planned."
"Of course you can stay here, sweetheart! Do you need me to come and get you?"
"That would be great. I'm at the bus station."
"Ok darlin. You just hang tight. It'll take me about 45 minutes to get there."
"Alright, Aunt Laura. Thanks!"
In a couple of hours, we crossed the drawbridge to Ocean Isle Beach and turned onto Driftwood Drive and into Aunt Laura's driveway.
"This place is amazing, Aunt Laura."
"You're just looking at the outside, sweetie! And I think you can call me Laura now ~ you're old enough."
"Ok. Laura."
"Come on and let's get you settled in. Kaidlyn's at school, so you can have her room."
"School? Does she go to boarding school?"
"Oh Jordan! I forget how long it's been since we've seen you. It's sort of boarding school, but not like you're thinking. She goes to the School of Science and Math."
"Wow!"
"Yeah. The science part is what she's best at. Math is a little sketchy, but if you case it as science she does ok."
"Impressive. Laura, I love this house."
"Well, something good besides Kaid had to come out of the debacle that was my marriage."
"Ouch. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. . ."
"Hon, it's fine. I'm so over it now. Alrighty, here's your room."
"It's beautiful. God, Kaidlyn has sure grown up. That is her in the picture, isn't it?"
"Yeah ~ she and a group of girlfriends went to the prom together so no one had to deal with any pressures from guys."
"Cool idea!"
"I thought so. So sweetie, you hungry?"
"Actually I'm exhausted right now. Sleeping on the bus isn't the best thing in the world. Mind if I take a nap?"
"Not at all. You make yourself at home. I'm going to go for my early afternoon walk on the beach, and then I'll be back."
"Ok. Thanks again Laura."
"No problem. Glad to have you here."
So I did a little unpacking, but soon the big soft bed in the middle of the room was too tempting, and I flopped down on it and don't remember much else.
Meanwhile back in Boston. . .
"Grace?"
"Yes Dr. Macy?"
"What are you doing? I thought you already did your autopsy this morning."
"I did mine. Dr. Cavanaugh hasn't shown up yet, so we're all having to cover her stuff too."
"What do you mean, hasn't shown up yet?"
"Exactly that. She hasn't come in."
"Has anyone. . .?"
"Tried to reach her at home?"
"Yeah, Nigel."
"Already did that Garret."
"And? Nigel, what aren't you telling me?"
"The line's been temporarily disconnected."
"You're kidding me."
"I wish I were."
"Alright. Maybe her father knows something. I'll go pull his number from her emergency file and give him a call."
"He's probably at the precinct. Dispatch can probably find him for you."
"Good thinking Nigel. Thanks."
Garret. . .
What the hell is she up to? I thought things were working out so well. I mean, yeah, there was that suicide attempt ~ whether intentional or not ~ a little while back, but she seemed to be on an even keel. I just hope that Max knows what's up with her.
Alright. Dispatch said they'd put me through. . .
"Hello?"
"Detective Cavanaugh? It's Garret Macy from the Medical Examiner's office."
"Oh right, Jordan's boss. You can call me Max. What's wrong?"
"What makes you think something's wrong?"
"You're Jordan's boss and you're calling me at work. Something isn't normal about that situation."
"Ok, you got me. I was wondering if you know where Jordan might be."
"What? I'd assume she's at work."
Oh shit. He didn't know anything. "Well. . ."
"Garret, what's going on?"
"Max, she's not here. . . And her phone line has been disconnected."
"What?"
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. . ."
"Garret? I'm going over to her place now and I'll let you know what I find."
"Alright. Thanks Max."
Shit! Where the hell is she? If she's done anything stupid I'll. . . What Garret? What will you do to her. As much as you might try to not play favorites, you know good and well she's like a kid sister to you. And now she's missing ~ hopefully of her own volition and missing is all it is. . .
"Garret? Did you find anything out?" Nigel popped his head into my office.
"Max doesn't know anything. He's going over to her place to see if he can figure out what's up."
"Sweet Nancy. You don't think that she. . ."
"I hope not. I sure as hell hope not."
"What do you expect when you hire someone with her history?" Grace was muttering under her breath as she walked down the hall.
"Grace? You have something to say?"
"Just I expected as much. She quit her residency and you hired her practically sight unseen. I don't know why you thought she'd. . ."
"That's enough Grace. Yes, Jordan's had problems. But I'm sure there's a logical explanation for this."
"Whatever you say. Now I'm going to do another of her autopsies."
"Thank you so much Grace."
ring, ring. . .
"This is Macy."
"Garret, it's Max."
"What did you find out? Is she ok?"
"She's gone Garret. Her guitar is gone as is her travel bag. I can't find anything to indicate where she is."
"Oh, Max. I'm. . ."
"Garret, I can't lose her, but I don't know where to even begin. I don't know who she was seeing ~ if anyone, where she hung out, anything. In some ways she's like a stranger to me since. . ."
"Max, let me see if I can find anything out around here. I'll let you know."
"Thanks Garret. I just. . . When she almost died I thought my life was over. And now she's taken off and not told anyone."
"Max, I've got a child of my own and I can begin to understand what having her disappear must feel like. I promise I'll keep you posted."
"Alright. We'll keep in touch."
Nigel was looking at me, crestfallen. "She's not there?"
"Nope. No sign of her."
"In some ways I guess that's good. I mean, that she didn't. . ."
"I know. Now Nigel, what do you know about her?"
"Not much, but I'll help any way I can."
"Good. Let's try to piece the puzzle that is Jordan together and figure some things out."
Later that afternoon in Ocean Isle Beach, NC. . .
Jordan. . .
What the. . . Where am I? Ok, think Jordan. Just look around and. . . Oh yeah. I'm at Aunt Laura's ~ Laura's ~ house. Now I remember. Guess I should go downstairs and see if I can do anything to help out or whatever. . .
"Laura?"
"Hey there darlin! Get a good nap in?"
"Yeah. Thanks. Can I do anything to help with anything?"
"Nah. I figured I'd take you down to Calabash for some seafood ~ you can eat seafood, right?"
"As far as I know. I've never been allergic to it."
"Good. We'll go to Beck's. It's one of the best all around down there. Then we can come back and go for a walk on the beach."
"Sounds great. Should I change?"
"No baby. This is the beach. You don't have to get dressed up here. Come on, we're in the rolling Spring Break season, so the places fill up pretty quick."
"Ok."
It took about 15 minutes to get to Calabash. There were a couple of big old houses, but mostly it was little lots occupied by mobile homes. Just a little beach community. We got to Beck's and amazingly were able to get a table pretty quickly. After we ordered our meals and had gotten out drinks and our hush puppies, Laura turned to me for some girl talk.
"So what are you up to these days? Still working on being a heart surgeon?"
"No. That. . .well, some stuff happened and I figured out that wasn't for me. I'm, um. . .I'm working as a Medical Examiner."
"Oh wow! You mean you cut up dead people? How'd Max take that little career change?"
"I think he just wants me to be happy."
"Yeah, probably. You do seem to be happy, relatively speaking. How's Max doing anyway?"
"He's ok I guess. Still working hard and all that. When was the last time you heard from him?"
"It's been a while. Somewhere between your mother's. . ."
"Murder. It's ok, you can say it."
"Alright sweetie. Between that and the mess with Charlie it somehow just got easier not to talk with each other ~ we just seemed to end up sad. Funny, you'd have thought it would have brought us closer together."
"Yeah."
"Say, speaking of Max. . . Do you need to call him and let him know you're here safely?"
"Um. . .well. . ."
"Jordan, he does know you're here right?"
"Not exactly."
"What?"
"I just. . .I just took off. I needed to get away."
"Jordan. . ."
"The past nine months have been really weird. The thoracic surgeon thing? I was in a residency program for it. A good one."
"What happened?"
"I challenged the head of the program on a call he made in the O.R. And he saw to it that the residency program had to lose a resident. Me."
"Oh honey. That must have been. . ."
"Shattering. And then I, well, I almost killed myself."
"What?"
"Dad and I were having our usual at home happy hour and I combined it with some sleeping pills I had. A lot of them. I don't know that I did it on purpose ~ it just kind of happened."
"But you pulled through."
"Yeah. Apparently it was sort of touch and go at first. Dad said they had to shock me back one time. He wasn't too happy with me."
"No, I can imagine not. And I'd think that's even more reason why you’d want to check in with him."
"I will eventually. I just can't right now. I just had to get out of Boston for a while. . ."
"You want to talk about it?"
"Not right now. Look, the food's here."
So we ate our meal just talking chit chat. I could tell Laura wanted more, but she was willing to give me the space I needed. When we finished, we drove back to her house and went in to put on some grubbies for a walk on the beach.
It wasn't far, and as we topped the approved trail over the dunes, I got a glimpse of the ocean, the sky reflecting the sunset behind us. As we got to the beach proper, Laura grabbed my arm and pointed out towards the horizon.
"Jordan, look! Dolphins!"
And there they were, a pod of dolphins leaping through the water. Strange as it might sound, their presence made me feel safe and I spilled the whole story out to Laura. How the affair started. What happened before I left. How I'd fallen in love. We walked until we got tired, and then we just sat on the beach while I continued to spill my guts to this aunt I hardly knew. As I finished talking, Laura reached out and wiped the tears I didn't even realize were there from my face.
"Oh baby. I wish I could snap my fingers and make it all go away."
"Thanks Laura. For listening. And trying to understand."
"I do understand. Probably better than you think. But you don't think Max would understand if you talked with him?"
"I don't know. Maybe. But I had to get out of Boston. I couldn't risk running into. . ."
"I understand."
"But you're going to make me call him?"
"Does anyone know where you are?"
"I sent my boss a letter saying that I just needed to get away for a while ~ played the stress card."
"But. . ."
"I didn't tell him where I was going. I wasn't even sure when I wrote the letter."
"Hmm. Well, ok. I'll give you a couple of days to chill. And then you're going to call Max and let him know you're ok."
"Alright. I guess it's only fair. But what if. . ."
"If he happens to call looking for you before your 'chill time' is up, I'll think of something. But you might decide you want to talk to him by then."
"Maybe. We'll see. I just don't think I can tell him what really happened."
"You'll think of something when the time comes. Hey, it's getting dark. We should probably get back to the house. I've got some peach cobbler and ice cream we can have for a snack."
"Sounds good." We stood and walked back to the house. As we began to move, Laura put her arm around my shoulder in a cross between mom and big sister.
We had some of the cobbler and ice cream and sat up just catching up on family tales and stuff. Finally we decided to call it a night. As I went to bed it occurred to me that for the first time in a long while, I really felt safe.
The next day, in Boston. . .
Garret. . .
I don't understand this. Where the hell could she have gone? Max said he was going to check a few things out and then come over here and look around her desk. He's trying to keep a good front up, but I know he's worried as hell about this. Jordan's the only family he's got left.
Come on Garret. Think. What do you know about her? She's stubborn. She cares way too much about the bodies she works with ~ not that that's always a bad thing. She's probably the best damn M.E. I've seen in my life, and she didn't even want to do it at first. She. . .
"May I come in?"
"Oh, hi Max. Yeah. Come on in. Anything new?"
"Not a trace of her. I went over her apartment with a fine-toothed comb. That's the problem with her being the child of a detective. She knows way too much about how to hide things."
"You're not thinking. . ."
"Anything beyond her deciding to take off for a while? I'm trying not to let myself think that way. And anyway, her place was too clean. I don't care how good someone is at foul play, there are always signs. But this ~ if she wrote anything down, she took the paper off the tablet and used the table or something hard to write on ~ something that doesn't hold an imprint."
"Now that's something I would have never thought of. Have you. . .?"
"I've not brought anyone else in on it. I really believe that she's just taken off on her own. It kills me, but I don't want to. . .to go through everything again like. . .well, like we have before."
"I understand. Do you want to give her desk a check anyway?"
"Yeah. Maybe there's something there that will tell me something."
"Ok. It's right in here."
"Thanks Garret."
"Not a problem."
"Dr. Macy?" I heard the receptionist's voice as we walked towards the office Jordan shared with Grace Yakura.
"Yes?"
"The mail just came. I thought you'd want to see this immediately."
"What is. . .?" Jordan's handwriting.
"Garret? Is something wrong?"
"It's from Jordan."
"What does it. . .?"
"Let me open it. Want to go back in my office?"
"Yeah."
Alright. Let's see what we've got here. Jordan Cavanaugh, this had better not be what I think it is. . .
"Hey Garret!
"Now before you freak out on me, I'm not resigning. Promise! I know you'd hunt me down if I did that. Especially after the chance you took hiring me on and everything. Ok? Good, that's settled.
"So you're probably wondering where I am. Garret, I needed to get away for a couple of weeks and clear my head. I don't know. . . Jumping right into work at the morgue right after. . .right after the whole sleeping pills and alcohol combo thing I pulled and being kicked out of and then choosing to leave the residency program and all that probably wasn't the best thing for me.
"It's just. . .there's some stuff going on that I can't tell you about right now. Maybe sometimes, but not right now. I just need a break for a couple of weeks. I promise I'm coming back.
"It's just. . .there's too much stress in my life right now and I need a break. Please understand?
"I'm not sure where I'm going. I'll try to call when I figure that out. Try, not definite. Ok? I just need to decompress for a while. I'll see you soon! Oh, and I'm sure either you've gotten in touch with Dad or vice-versa. Tell him I love him!
"Thanks for understanding!
~Jordan"
"Well? Does she say anything?"
"She said she needed to get away for a little while and she's coming back."
"Did she say. . .?"
"Where she's going? No. I don't think she even. . . Here, why don't you read it?" I held the letter out to Max and watched him take it with trembling hands. He moved over to the couch and sat down to read it. I wasn't sure if I should stay where I was or move over to him. It's not like it was a suicide note or anything.
"Well, it sounds like she's at least being a little reasonable. Realizing the need for a break before things overwhelmed her. Though there are more orthodox ways to ask for a vacation."
"I'm just going to chalk it up as sick days right now. It's bending the rules a little, but she's too damn good to lose. And she's. . .I don't know, Max, she's become like a kid sister to me and I just want to protect her."
"I understand. I think she sort of thinks of you as her big brother. I know you know about the time she almost died. . ."
"It's funny. . .neither of you use the words 'suicide attempt' with that night."
"I'm still not convinced that it was intentional. But. . . Garret? How much do you know about Jordan's past?"
"Before med school? Not a lot. She doesn't really talk about her life that much."
"I know how she is about sharing information. But I think that as her friend and her boss there are some things you should know. Why don't you come over and sit down. . ."
So I did. He proceeded to tell me about her mother's struggles with mental illness ~ probably severe depression or maybe bi-polar disorder would be the diagnosis now ~ and how at age 5, Jordan found Emily cutting her hair and her arms and hands in the bathroom. He went on to tell me about Emily's murder, what they knew about it. How it was unsolved even after all this time, and how he knew it still haunted Jordan because it still haunted him. Suddenly a lot of the pieces of the puzzle that was Jordan Cavanaugh were falling into place. Things fit and made some sense. Her empathy with the bodies of the crime victims, her determination to get answers and not settle for a probable cause of death.
". . .and so that's how it's been in her life. I don't know what else I can do. I can't tell her to let her mother's death go because I still can't. I just. . ."
"Max, I think you've both done the best you could under the circumstances. And it seems to me that if Jordan realizes the need to take some time off because of stress, somewhere along the line, the therapy helped a little."
"Maybe you're right. Well, now that we know that she at least seems to be ok, I'm going to go home ~ day off. Maybe I can figure out where she would have gone. If I hear anything, I'll let you know."
"Thanks Max. I'll do the same. Let me know if there's anything else I can do."
"Will do." As we stood, I held out my hand for a handshake, but he said something about me being like family and pulled me into a strong hug. Then he headed towards the elevator bay.
I sat there for I don't know how long, my mind going over everything he'd told me. In some ways, I was no closer to understanding Jordan than I ever had been; but in others, his revelations helped me to piece some things together. Damn. That girl had been through more shit before her eleventh birthday than some people have to go through in a lifetime. Sometimes life really wasn't fair. But I knew more than ever that I couldn't turn my back on her. For better or worse, she'd wandered into my life and I couldn't let her go.
With a sigh, I got up and walked down towards personnel to let them know that Jordan was going to be out sick for a few days and that everything had already been cleared so there was no need for follow-up.
A couple of days later at Ocean Isle Beach, NC. . .
Jordan. . .
I could so get used to this life. The beach every day. Not having to deal with anything. No death. Aw hell, who are you kidding Jordan? A couple of months of this and I'd be bored stiff. I'm already feeling a little restless. But I can't go back yet. It's too soon. It'll hurt too bad.
"Jordan? You awake yet?" Laura's voice drifted up the stairs. I knew she'd give me the space to do what I needed to do, but she also kept a pretty close eye on me.
"Yeah. I'll be down in a sec."
"Ok."
Alright. Might as well get this over with. Mandatory call to Dad day. It is kind of interesting that he hasn't called here looking for me. Maybe he didn't think I'd remember Laura or something. Surely he's noticed I'm gone by now.
"Morning sweetie."
"It's still morning? Oh yeah ~ it's only 9:30."
"You sleep ok?"
"Fine, thanks." I went over to the fridge and grabbed a diet Coke. Laura started to make a comment about my lack of food, so I reached into the fruit basket and grabbed a banana. It seemed to make her happy.
"Jordan, I don't want to push you, but. . ."
"I know. I know. It's the deadline for me to call Dad."
"Here it is sweetie. You want me to stay in here with you?"
"Whatever you want to do. I guess I'll try the precinct first." Ok Jordan, you can do this. Just dial the phone. . .
"Police dispatch."
"Um, yes. May I speak with Detective Max Cavanaugh please?"
"One moment, I'll locate him for you. . . I'll connect you now."
"Thank you." OK, this can't be that bad. Surely he's not that mad at you. . .
"Detective Cavanaugh."
"Hi Dad!"
"Jordan? What. . . Where are you? Are you ok?"
"I'm fine Dad. I'm at Laura's house."
"In North Carolina?"
"Yeah. Dad, I'm sorry I didn't call you before I left. I just. . . Things were getting crazy and I just had to get out of there."
"Crazy how, Jordan? How bad could things be that you couldn't talk with me? Or with Garret? Or somebody?"
"Dad, I'm sorry. I just felt like things were closing in on me and I needed to get away for a little while."
"When are you coming back?"
"I don't know. A few days maybe? I. . ."
"Baby, if there's something wrong, talk to me. Whatever it is we can work through it."
"I'm doing better Dad. I just had to get out of Boston for a while."
"Ok. How did you get there anyway?"
"I took a bus."
"All that way?"
"Yeah. It wasn't too bad."
"I'll fly you home. No sense in you taking a bus all the way back up here. How many days do you need?"
"I don't know. Maybe five?"
"That would be about a week you'd be out. I think Garret can sell that as a bad case of the flu."
"What?"
"He got your letter. He's covering for you with personnel saying you're sick and he's gotten what he needs."
"Oh."
"He's a nice guy, Jordan. We had a long talk yesterday. He really thinks of you as a kid sister and wants to help you. I. . .well, I gave him a little insight on you to help him. . ."
"What did you tell him?"
"Things that he should know anyway Jordan. Things that will come out at some point. You do have to have a psychological evaluation for the job. I'm surprised they hadn't done one yet."
"I think it's within six months or something. Yeah, I guess mine will be coming up soon. You told him about Mom didn't you?"
"It's not like that's a big secret Jordan. Anyone who wanted to know about it could find whatever they wanted. Everything that we know is out there."
"Yeah. I guess so."
"So I'll get you a plane ticket for Monday and have it delivered there, ok?"
"Ok. Um, Dad?"
"Yeah?"
"Can I move home for a little while? There's been some stuff going on in my building and I'd just feel more comfortable being out of there."
"Really? I'll have to see if. . ."
"I don't think anything's been reported. And I can't say exactly what it is. I just don't feel comfortable there anymore."
"Alright, Jordan. It's ok. You know you've got a bed at home as long as you need it. I'll get your stuff boxed up and moved into the house and garage and take care of things with the landlord so it's all done when you get back."
"Thanks Dad. I love you."
"I love you too Jordan. I love you too. Take care of yourself, get some rest, and give Laura a hug for me."
"I will Dad. Bye."
"Bye baby."
Well, that's done. He's got a point about stuff coming out in the psych eval. . .I just wish there was a way it didn't have to. And it's not like that had any bearing on why I ran. Did it? No. I ran because I was screwing up an innocent person's life. That's all. And I'm a big chicken and couldn't face it. And now I'm going to hide at Dad's. At least I'll be with family.
"All done. He said to tell you hello."
"That's good."
"Yeah. He's sending me a plane ticket for next Monday. He about freaked when I told him I took the bus down here."
"I can imagine."
"Could I call someone else?"
"Of course."
"Thanks. I just feel like I need to call my boss."
Laura went onto the porch while I called Garret. He wasn't as mad as I thought he'd be. He confirmed what Dad said about him fixing things with personnel. He said Grace was having a hissy fit, but that was pretty normal. I told him my plans for getting back into Boston, and he said he'd see me on Tuesday.
The rest of the week flew by, and before I knew it, Dad was scooping me into a big bear hug at the gate in Logan.
"Hey there sweetheart! I missed you!"
"Thanks Dad. It's good to be home."
"Do you have another bag?"
"Nope ~ just this duffel and my guitar. I'm good to go."
"Alright then. Let's go home."
"Is everything ok with. . ."
"All cleared. I covered the penalty fee for you so you're all set."
"Oh Dad, I'm sorry about that. I'll pay you back as soon. . ."
"Don't even worry about it. I don't want you living some place where you're not comfortable. Here's the car. You want to get some dinner on the way home?"
"Sure, Dad. Thanks!"
So we stopped and got a burger on the way home. I went up to my room and found the boxes of things that had been lying around my apartment already sitting on the floor in my room. I'd deal with them later. Right now, I just wanted to get some sleep before I went back to work. Home might not be the safest place in the world to me, but it was comfortable and familiar. And strangely, so was the morgue.
The next day, back at the morgue. . .
Jordan. . .
Ok. This can't be too hard. Dad did say that Garret was going to square things up with personnel and all. Now, deep breath Jordan. The doors are about to open.
"Jordan, welcome back!"
"Hey Nige! Great to see you."
"Your 'flu' must have agreed with you, luv. I don't think I've ever seen anyone recover with a tan!"
"Yeah, yeah."
"So, you going to share details?"
"I just needed some time off." We went into the small office I shared with Dr. Grace Yakura. "Oh, hey Grace. How are you doing?"
"I'd be a lot better if I hadn't had to do twice the number of autopsies for the past two weeks."
"Nice to see you too." As Grace left the room to prepare for yet another one, I turned to Nige quizzically. "Who peed in her corn flakes this morning?"
"Don't bother about her my sweet. We all offered to divide the autopsies, but she insisted. Climbing that ladder all the time you know. So now where were we?"
"We were at the point when Jordan was going to come to my office to have a little chat." Garret popped his head in the door.
"Alright. I'm coming." With a look over my shoulder I looked at Nigel, who gave me a big thumbs-up sign and a wink, trying to reassure me that things would be ok. Feeling strangely like a school girl who was being sent to the principal's office, I went into Garret's office and heard the door shut as I sat down on the couch. Within a couple of seconds, he was on the couch next to me.
"Ok, Jordan. You want to tell me what happened?"
"You mean why I left?"
"Yeah."
"Things just got to be too much too soon. You know, I pretty much came right to work here after I. . .I left the residency program. There was just a lot of stuff that got stirred up and I needed to deal with it."
"Ok. But why didn't you talk with me first? Why did you just take off? Jordan, your dad didn't even know where you were."
"I know. I just. . . I had to get out of here and I didn't want anyone to know ~ to try and stop me or talk me out of it."
"But why? Jordan, I want to help. I want to understand. But you're making that very hard."
"I just can't say anything. Maybe sometime in the future. But not now."
"Alright. Have it your way. You should know that I've called Dr. Stiles to start your psych evaluation. Given everything that's gone on, I think doing it a little early might be a good idea."
"Ok. I understand."
The receptionist popped her head in the door. "Excuse me, Dr. Macy? Dispatch just called. There's been a stabbing over near Tufts. Looks like D.V. They need someone over there now and. . ."
"I'll take it. I mean, if it's ok, Garret. Let me make up for some of the time I've been gone?"
"You feel up to a domestic violence case?"
"Ah sure. Why not."
"Alright. Tell them Dr. Cavanaugh is on her way."
"Yes sir. Thank you."
"Alright kiddo. Be safe. And be expecting a visit from Dr. Stiles."
"Ok. Thanks Garret."
So I went and grabbed my stuff and headed out to the crime scene. Pretty gruesome case of domestic violence taken to the extreme. The woman's head was virtually severed from a knife wound. Blood everywhere. I did what needed to be done, then we got the body loaded for transport. The autopsy didn't show any surprises.
Later that night Dad got home and we fixed dinner together, something I'd really missed doing. He said they had the husband in custody and were 99% sure they could conclusively tie it to him.
"Sweetheart, I haven't really asked you. . ."
"Dad, I just needed to get out of Boston for a while. Yes, it was impulsive and unconventional. But it's ok. Things were covered at work, and Garret has Dr. Stiles coming in in a couple of days to do my psych evaluation."
"Alright baby. But if you need to talk about anything. . ."
"I know. I know you're here. Dad? I don't want to be rude, but I'm kind of tired still, so I'm going to go upstairs and get ready for bed. Ok?"
"Ok baby. You know where I'll be if you need me."
"Yeah. Thanks Dad. Good night." I bent over and gave him a kiss on the cheek. He stood and pulled me into a quick hug then sent me on my way upstairs.
"Good night sweetheart. See you in the morning."
I ran a hot bath and let myself soak for a while, leafing through a magazine I'd long since forgotten I subscribed to. After that, I washed my face, brushed my teeth and got ready for bed. As I slid between the sheets, I felt safe at home for the first time I could really remember since that day. I closed my eyes, ready for a good night's sleep.
2:17 a.m.. . .
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"
"Jordan? Baby, what's wrong?"
"Dad?"
"It's ok sweetie. I'm here. Shhh. I'm here. Baby, what's wrong? What is it?"
"I think they're back."
Jordan. . .
Yeah. They're back. The nightmares I was plagued with after Mom was murdered. Dad in the kitchen holding something. Mom singing. The staircase. I'm not even trying to sleep anymore. I know it's showing at work, more than once I've dozed off at my desk, much to Grace's frustration and delight ~ there's nothing that she'd like more than to see me fall. But I don't dare try to sleep at Dad's cause I just end up screaming and waking him up and then we're both awake for the rest of the night.
"Jordan? You have a minute?" Garret had popped his head into the office while I was lost in some sort of daydream-trance combination.
"Huh? Oh, yeah. What do you need?"
"Come on down to the conference room."
"Ok." So I followed Garret down the hall. When we got to the conference room, I found a small, balding man sitting on one side of the table.
"Dr. Cavanaugh, it's very nice to meet you. I'm Dr. Howard Stiles, the state psychiatrist assigned to this office."
"Hi."
"He's going to be doing your psych eval, Jordan."
"Oh. Ok."
"Howard, I'll be in my office if you need anything. Jordan, relax, things are going to be fine."
"Ok." I watched Garret as he walked out the door towards his office, feeling not unlike I did when that police officer left me at Children's Services. Abandoned, alone, and scared.
"Dr. Cavanaugh? Would you like to have a seat?"
"Ok. Can you call me Jordan?" I took a seat on the opposite side of the table from him.
"That's fine. I like to let you determine what I'll call you. Now, I've been going over your file. It seems that you've had some tragedy in your life."
"Are you going to make me talk about my mother?"
"Jordan, I'm just trying to make sure that you're able to do this job. The fact that your mother was murdered does not necessarily count against you. We just have to make sure. . ."
"That I'm not getting in over my head?"
"Well, there is that. It seems you have a penchant for going above and beyond your job description."
"Someone has to speak for the dead."
"Yes, I suppose you're right."
"Alright. My mother was murdered when I was 10. The police officer came and got me from school ~ I thought it was my Dad because he's a cop. She was on the living room floor. They took Dad away in handcuffs. You know the drill; they've always got to look at the husband. I went to Children's Services until Dad signed permission for me to stay at my friend Kim's house. Dad was cleared and I moved back home."
"It sounds like you've been over this before."
"Therapy off and on for years after that."
"I see." And that was all he said. He decided it would be easier right now for me to decide what I wanted to say and when I wanted to say it. I don't know how shrinks' brains work. He got up and wandered over to the window. At some point I guess I nodded off because the next thing I knew, her was gently shaking my shoulder. "Jordan? Are you feeling ok?"
"Um, yeah. Sorry. I just. . ."
"I see that you recently took a vacation. . ."
"I just needed to get away for a while. I'd been in a CT residency program at BU Hospital and. . .things didn't exactly work out there. I'd met Dr. Macy while I was there and he offered me this job, and I decided to take it."
"Alright. You've also changed your address."
"Yeah, I moved in with Dad for a while. There was. . .I wasn't comfortable in my old apartment. I just couldn't stay there anymore."
"Hey, things happen that make us uncomfortable. I do recall some unusual police activity around your old neighborhood recently. Perfectly understandable for you to want some security."
"I guess. I don't know how safe home really feels, but. . ."
"Do you mean because of your mother?"
"If you'd seen. . . Having your mother murdered in your home doesn't exactly make you feel like it's a safe place."
"And yet you moved back home. But. . .Jordan, have you been sleeping?"
"No, I. . .I've just been busy and had things on my mind and. . ."
"I can prescribe some sleeping pills for you, if you'd like."
"No! I mean, thanks, but I can't take anything like that."
"Really?"
"I know it's in the file."
"What Jordan? What's in the file?"
"That just before I left the CT program I was technically fired, and I accidentally swallowed all my pills while Dad and I were having some scotch."
"Accidentally?"
"I don't think I meant to kill myself. I didn't sit there and say 'Ok, Jordan, swallow the bottle and drink some scotch.'"
"And yet, you did."
"You never did anything unconsciously?"
"Touche."
"Look, I know I screwed up. It was a mistake and it won't happen again. I promise."
"But you don't want to take the prescription?"
"I'll take it, but I'm not sure I'll fill it."
"Jordan, what are these nightmares?"
"What?"
"Something's keeping you from sleeping. I can only guess that they're nightmares."
"They're. . .they have to do with my mother. I. . .I really can't say anything else. They've come and gone for years. No one's been able to figure out how to make them stop for good."
"Do you want them to?"
"I know this is going to sound strange, but. . ." I was interrupted by some kind of scuffle outside in the hallway. I looked out the window and saw the husband in the DV case I'd pulled a few weeks before. I knew I was still in my eval, but I had to get out of there. "What the hell were you thinking? How could you do that to her?"
"Jordan, that's enough." Garret tried to restrain me and gently push me back into the conference room. The guy turned around and leered at me.
"Like you can prove anything, you skinny bitch." And he headed towards the elevator. I tried to go after him, but suddenly the floor felt like water below me. As my knees collapsed, I heard Garret calling my name.
A few minutes later, I woke up on the couch in his office. "What happened?"
"You collapsed Jordan."
"Oh. Where's Dr. Stiles?"
"Right here my dear. I just went to get some Coke and crackers for you."
"Thanks." I took them and began to eat the crackers. I guess I was eating them a little faster than "normal."
"Jordan? When was the last time you ate?"
"Ate at all or a meal, Garret?"
"I'd prefer a meal, but I'll take at all."
"Um. . .I can't remember."
"Jordan, you're not eating, you're not sleeping. I'm concerned." Stiles was reaching for his prescription pad. "Now I didn't get this written before, but here is a scrip for some sleeping pills ~ at least for the moment. You need to get some sleep, and these will help."
"They'll take the nightmares away?"
"Jordan, there's only one way to do that."
"No! I can't. . ."
"Alright. Garret, I think it's probably best if she takes the rest of the day off to get some sleep."
"I agree. Jordan, is your dad going to be home?"
"Um. . ."
"Let me call him."
So he did and Dad came to get me. He insisted on getting the scrip filled, and said that he would hold onto the pills. When we got home, he gave me one, made sure I took it, and then sent me up to my room to get some sleep. What the hell, maybe it would work.
No such luck. I still woke up with the nightmare. I tried to be quiet so I wouldn't disturb Dad, but I know he knew what was going on. And things at work weren't getting any better. In fact, they only got worse.
As I continued to lose sleep, my performance became more and more sporadic. Looking back, it's easy to see, but at the time I was in complete denial. I didn't want to admit what had thrown me into a tailspin. Garret, Stiles, even Nigel all tried to help me out, but I kept pushing them away. Finally after one messed up case too many, Garret called me into the conference room. Stiles was with him.
"Jordan, I know how much this job means to you. You. . .you speak for the dead better and more clearly than anyone I've ever seen. And you're probably the most gifted medical examiner I've ever known."
"But what? I know there's a but there."
"You're right. Jordan, I've talked with Dr. Stiles at length. Neither of us wanted things to come to this, but given the situation. . . Jordan, I have no choice but to fire you."
"What?"
"Speaking for the dead is one thing. Jordan, you've crossed the line more and more these last few weeks. Believe me, I don't want to do this. . ."
"Not even a suspension?"
"Jordan, it's not just that. Given your history. . ." I knew Dr. Stiles was trying to make things better, but it wasn't working.
"You think I tried to kill myself on purpose? Dr. Stiles, I explained. . ."
"Jordan, given the history then and what I'm seeing now, I have to conclude that being a medical examiner, at least here in Boston, isn't the best thing for you."
"But what will I do? Try to get into a residency program or something?" I was trying not to cry in front of them, but I knew it was only a matter of time before the tears spilled over.
"Jordan, I still think you're a wonderful medical examiner. But maybe there are too many memories here in Boston. Maybe somewhere else. . ."
"But if I’ve been fired. . ."
"I'm sealing your psychological record. I've written you a letter of recommendation and I'll do everything I can to help you find a job somewhere else. Jordan, I hate to lose you, but this is for your own good."
"Yeah, right." I looked at Garret and Stiles sitting there. "Fine. I'll clean out my desk."
I went into my office after grabbing a box from the storage area. Thankfully Grace was in the field. I couldn't stand the thought of her gloating over my packing. When I put the last of my personal things in the box and taped it up, I took one last look around the office and headed for the door.
Garret walked me to the elevator. "Jordan, it kills me to have to do this."
"Whatever."
"I hope that we've developed enough of a friendship that one day you can talk with me about all this ~ what caused this particular situation. But if not, I'll understand. Let me know if there's anything I can do."
The doors opened and I stepped in, just avoiding the kiss Garret was trying to plant on my cheek. "So I guess this is it. Maybe I'll see you around sometime." And the doors closed.
I went home to pack and leave a note for Dad. I wasn't sure where I was going, but I needed to leave. As it turns out, he came home as I was headed down the stairs to leave. He gave me a hug and asked where I was going to go. I told him I didn't know, but I needed to leave Boston. He said Garret had called him and said that there was an opening in Chicago and he'd put in a good word for me.
I knew letting me go was killing Dad, but he drove me to the bus stop, slipped a couple hundred dollars in my pocket and sent me out to wherever the wind was going to take me. Who would have imagined that six years later it would lead me back to Boston ~ where I'd have to eventually confront my past. All of it.
The End.
|
|
