This was inspired by a hiking trip with my dad. To keep my mind off the actual hiking ~ and the pain in my legs ~ I just started thinking about how it might have been if Max and Jordan went hiking. And they were off in the playground of my mind...
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How Do You Heal A Broken Heart?
Max. . .
I'm really not sure what's wrong right now. I'd taken the night off from the Pogue and Jordan came over for dinner ~ well, she got here mid-afternoon. Mumbled something about "comp time" and proceeded to say very little else. I've said it before ~ when she gets monosyllabic something's really wrong. But I couldn't get anything out of her. Add that to the fact that her eyes looked even emptier than they often do ~ and yet on the verge of tears that kept threatening to burst forth ~ and I got really concerned.
It wasn't long after dinner that she said something about sleeping at my place ~ said something like her building was being fumigated and they'd all been told that if they could find somewhere else to stay for a night or two it would be better. I know it happens occasionally, but usually if it's something with a whole building you hear about it on the news ~ but I have no reason to doubt her. So of course I said it was fine and she trudged up the stairs to her room (which I'd put back to "normal" from Evelyn's "craft room" idea). Problem ~ it was only about 7:30 and I've never known Jordan to go to bed that early even as a baby!
My first instinct was to follow her and try to talk about what was bothering her, but then reality kicked in and I realized that making her talk before she was ready wouldn't do any good. My mind raced trying to figure out what it was. Work? It's always a possibility, but I think she would have said something if anything had happened there. And Garret has always given her every possible chance and will do anything to help her if things get nuts. The stuff with Emily again? Possible, but not likely given her sparse dinner conversation. She's never been one to hold her tongue on that particular subject. Which pretty much leaves romance. Yeah, it sort of fits her pattern when her heart's broken. But I don't understand what could have happened, unless. . . Maybe I'd better call Garret and see if he knows anything just so I know what I'm. . .
What is that noise that I. . .? Oh God, she's sobbing her heart out. Not just little sobs, big, gut-wrenching sobs like I hardly ever hear her cry. She didn't even notice that I opened the door just enough to check on her. I hate seeing her like this ~ hate even more not knowing why. I wonder if she'd talk if I. . . Phone. Should I get it or. . .? Yeah, caller ID says it's the morgue. I'll just step out in the hall and take this one. Maybe it'll shed some light on the situation.
"Hello?"
"Max! It's Garret."
"Hi. What's up?"
"Max, I was wondering if. . . I, um. . . Max? Is Jordan with you?"
"Yeah, she is. She came in about mid-afternoon, we had dinner, then she asked if she could stay here ~ said something about her building being fumigated."
"That would explain why she's not answering her phone there, then."
"Garret? Is something wrong? She said that she had 'comp time' when she came in and. . ."
"No, no. That was right. I gave her the afternoon off. She looked like she needed it."
"Rough case?"
"Not exactly. . . Max, what exactly has she told you?"
"Not a lot. She hardly said a word through dinner ~ and come to think of it she didn't eat a lot. Then the thing about the building ~ I know it happens, but when it's a whole building you usually hear or see something about it. And right now she's up on her bed sobbing like her heart's broken."
"Oh God. Max, I'm going to tell you what I know only because if it was Abby I'd want someone to tell me."
"Should I sit down?"
"I don't think so ~ it's nothing like that. Max, Woody left yesterday."
"Left?"
"He got some snazzy offer to work with that group he worked with out in LA last spring and he just left. Apparently a couple of days ago, Jordan woke up and he was gone ~ not a trace of anything of his at. . . Um, maybe I said too much there."
"No, no. I suspected. And she is a consenting adult now. Actually I'd been pretty happy about things ~ he seemed to be so good for her."
"Yeah, that's what we all thought, too. But she came into work and just went about her stuff. No mention of anything out of the ordinary. I noticed that she didn't really take lunch, which they'd been having together for a while, but I figured maybe he'd called and something had come up. And then the mail came today."
"The mail?"
"Yeah. He'd just written her a note and stuck it in the mailbox. That was it."
"Oh God."
"I know. She's done it before, but to be on the other side. . . I only saw it because I went to see her about something and found her just sitting on the edge of her desk, staring into nothingness. The note had fallen from her hand, and I reached down to pick it up. Given that it was Jordan, I figured looking at whatever had caused this was probably a good idea."
"Right. What did it say?"
"Something like 'Jordan. The Sunset Division called. I can't pass it up. I'm moving to LA. Woody." Just very basic, very sketchy ~ and no mention of any of the emotion he's shown around her since he started here. That's when I got the part about his stuff all being gone out of her. Max, I think. . ."
"That's what got to her. I know she's been on his side of this before, the leaving part. But I really thought that he loved her."
"I know, Max. We all did."
"And I know that in spite of herself, she'd fallen in love with him. She doesn't let that happen very often."
"She talked with you about it?"
"She didn't have to. I could see it in her eyes ~ for once there was genuine light in them. She's been so happy the past couple of months. I knew that this reaction seemed familiar ~ I just couldn't place from where."
"Huh?"
"Oh, sorry Garret. It's just that there's only been one other time when she's let herself fall in love ~ and gotten her heart broken."
"Oh. Ok."
"You know, I'd better go in there and see if I can get anything out of her. Or at the very least, let her know just by my presence that she's not alone. I mean, I know she's a grown woman, but she's still my little girl."
"I totally understand, Max. Let me know if there's anything I can do."
"Will do. Thanks for calling Garret."
"Bye."
So that explains it. Sort of. I have to say, I've definitely not seen this twist coming. All the time he spent chasing her only to stop and run when she finally decided to let herself admit that she felt something. Surely after all that they've gone through he understands that it's just very hard for her to. . . She seems a little calmer now than when the phone rang. I'll just sit here on the bed and. . .
"Dad? Who was on the phone?" Jordan's muffled voice came from somewhere in the pillows on her bed.
"It was Garret, sweetheart. He was just making sure that you were ok. He seemed really concerned."
"Oh. Ok." Still no sign of turning her head. Then finally she rolled over and there was no hiding the pain she was in ~ it was all over her face. "So I guess he told you what happened?"
"You mean about. . .?"
"He left, Daddy! He left me!" And she was sobbing again, but at least this time in my arms. I really wasn't sure what I could do except just be there for her. I wasn't sure that what helped last time would work again ~ and even if it would, I didn't know if I could do it. . .
June 1987. . .
I came in from work, and unusually Jordan hadn't come by the precinct or plopped herself at the kitchen table, eager to hear all about what had happened that day. Granted, she'd just graduated from high school, but still, her being incommunicado was't "normal," if there was such a thing with her. Still, no sign of her around wasn't a good thing, and there was no note indicating that she'd gone anywhere. Something else that wasn't normal ~ ever since Emily's death, she'd been so good about letting me know where she was. Even when all her friends were clamoring for more freedom, she never resisted telling me where she was going.
"Jordan? Sweetheart? Are you home?"
No answer. Oh God, if anything. . . Wait, I think I heard something upstairs. I'd better check and see. . . She's there, on her bed.
"Jordan? You ok, sweetheart?"
"Go away, Dad." Her voice was muffled by the pillows.
"Jordan?"
"Dad? Just. . ."
"Ok, ok. I'll be downstairs if you want to talk."
"Fine."
"What do you want for dinner?"
"I don't care. I'm not hungry. Go away and leave me alone!" And one of the pillows came flying at my head. I decided to leave her alone for a while anyway, and maybe by dinner she'd be ready to talk.
I decided to make her favorite meal thinking maybe it would help whatever was wrong. I got the feeling that this was going to be one of those times I really wished Emily was here to help her, but she wasn't and I had to do it on my own. Finally I called her for dinner and she actually appeared at the top of the stairs. I could tell she was trying to hide it, but her face betrayed her pain. Slowly she came downstairs, went into the kitchen, and sat down at the table. She tried to eat something, but with the first bite, she choked on it and began crying.
"Jordan, honey, what's the matter?" Only sobs answered me, hard, gut-wrenching sobs I'm completely unaccustomed to. "Jordan, is it all the stuff around graduation and Emily not being there like all your friends' mothers?"
"No," her tear-strained voice finally sounded. "I wish that was it, but it's not."
"Ok. Well, sweetheart, I want to help if I can, but. . ."
"Nobody can make this better, Daddy! Nobody!" And she was off and up to her room. Feeling like we might be getting somewhere, I ran up the stairs after her. Amazingly she hadn't slammed her door, and I reached the doorway in time to see her throw herself down on the bed, huge sobs wracking her body. I didn't know what else to do but just sit there with her, rubbing her back, letting her know by touch that I was there.
Finally she calmed a little. I decided to risk it. . . "Jordan? You want to talk about it?"
"No. . ." But there was more to that answer, so I waited. Sure enough, within about 10 seconds, she rolled over and threw herself into my arms, the sobs returning full-force. "I hate him! I wish I'd never even gone out with him!"
So this was about Michael, the guy she'd been seeing all year. It wasn't like Jordan to stay with someone for so long ~ she was always afraid of getting too involved, of losing herself. "Sweetheart, what happened?"
"He left."
"Left? You mean to go to college already?"
"No. He. . . He. . . He ran off with Christine, this girl he met at camp last summer. He said it was nothing. Then she showed up in town, he broke our date last night, and then this morning I found this on the door." A trembling hand held out a crumpled, tear-stained piece of paper. I took it from her hands and read it silently as she continued to sob in my arms.
"Jordan. Thanks for everything. You've been amazing. But it'll never work. Christine is the girl for me. We're leaving Boston today. Bye. Mike."
Every fatherly fiber of my being wanted to go and find the boy and. . . And what Max? Beat some sense into him? You can't make him love Jordan if he doesn't. Of all people, you should understand that one person can't make another love them.
"Oh, sweetheart. I'm so sorry."
"I really screwed up this time, Daddy."
"What do you mean, Jordan? From this 'note' he's the one who left."
"He did. I was just stupid enough to fall in love with him. I really thought that we had something special."
"Jordan, I don't ever want to hear you say that falling in love with someone is stupid."
"But it is, Daddy. All it does is make you hurt. Look at you when Mom. . . I'm sorry Daddy. I shouldn't have said that."
"No, it's ok. I know what you were trying to say. Yeah, love does mean pain, but it's pain that reminds us we're alive."
"I hate it."
"I know. It's not easy, and I wish there was something I could do to make things better."
"I know. Thanks Daddy."
"Hey, dinner's probably cold and ruined by now, but I can call out for some pizza if you like. Pepperoni and green peppers?"
"With extra cheese?" At least she was looking a little less despondent now.
"Sure. This seems like an extra cheese occasion to me."
So the pizza came and the rest of the night went ok. I hadn't realized just how much Jordan had cared for the guy. She'd had a few boyfriends off and on, but never seemed affected when those ended. Now I understand ~ she was keeping herself at arms' length or longer to keep from getting hurt. Only this time she let her emotions go and actually let herself feel. She went up to bed a little early, but I felt sure that she was going to come through this with time. As I climbed the stairs to my room I heard her muffled sobs from behind her closed door. Better to have her cry herself to sleep than keep things in, but just to keep an ear on things, I cracked her door a bit and left my bedroom door open. One of the most sleepless nights I'd spent in a long while.
The next morning, though her eyes were puffy and red-rimmed, Jordan seemed ok, at least for the moment. Kim called and invited her to go to the beach with her family for the day, and amazingly Jordan seemed eager to go. I was ok with that ~ I knew Kim's family and I knew that they'd keep an eye on Jordan. They had ever since Emily. Besides, some time with a friend might be exactly what Jordan needed. They pulled up in their van, and I left for work. As I walked in and was heading to my office, one of my friends cornered me.
"Morning Max. Looks like you must have had a rough night."
"Oh, hi Sam. Yeah. There's some stuff with Jordan. . ."
"Oh. She's not. . .?"
"No, no. Nothing like that. The guy she'd been dating left her, to run off and marry some camp sweetheart, and. . ."
"I understand. You want to kill him because he broke your little girl's heart."
"I'm actually more worried about Jordan. She's never let herself get close enough to anyone to let break-ups bother her. This is all pretty new. But yeah, I have to admit that inflicting physical harm on the boy did cross my mind."
"I understand. I've been there myself."
"Yeah. How did you handle things with Leslie when something like this happened?"
"Well, part of it was her mother."
"Oh. I figured as much."
"But there was something. . . And funny enough I was going to mention this to you today anyway. Not in this context, but. . ."
"What?"
"Remember that hike I was telling you about? The one we're going on next week?"
"Yeah."
"Well, Leslie and Jeff called last night. They just found out they're expecting a baby, and they don't want to risk the hike, so I've got a couple of spots open if you and Jordan would like to go."
"Hey, you're gonna be a grandpa! That's great, Sam! Congratulations!"
"Thanks."
"A hike, huh? Sounds like it's got possibilities. You think it would help?"
"Remember the drama with Jason?"
"The guy before Jeff that Leslie just knew was 'the one?'"
"That's him. We'd had the hike already planned before that happened. Obviously he dropped out, and then Mary hurt her knee and couldn't go so it ended up being Leslie and myself. Turned out to be some of the best father-daughter time we'd had. And it seemed to help her heart heal a little."
"It sounds interesting."
"It's beautiful. And everyone hikes it at their own pace, so you'd have plenty of time to talk if she wanted to."
"She went to the beach with Kim and her family today, but I'll ask her about it at dinner. I'm sure I can get the time off, and she hasn't figured out what she's doing this summer yet. Let me check with her at dinner and I'll give you a call."
"Great. It'll be so much fun." And then he was called away to go into the field for a case.
As it turned out, we didn't have to wait until the evening to make a decision. There was a thunderstorm, and Kim's family brought Jordan by the precinct at her own request. I asked her about it, and though she wasn't overly excited by the prospect of some time outdoors with her dad, she did agree to go. I got the time off of work, we got some equipment, and a week later we loaded up into Sam's van and he and Mary and the two of us took off for the mountains.
It was a long drive. Made a little longer by the fact that Jordan wasn't really talking to anyone. She just stared out the window most of the time. At least she seemed to be handling things ok ~ who'd really expect a 17-year-old to chat with a group of "old folks" for hours on end. All in all she seemed pretty healthy. And she was at least eating when we'd stop for food.
We finally got to Gatlinburg, where we'd spend the night before starting up the mountain the next day. It was a cute little town ~ some really neat craft shops nestled in between such touristy things as "Ripley's Believe It Or Not Museum" and "Hauntings" and other "museums." We had dinner in this wonderful restaurant that was built like an old National Park lodge and then headed back to the rooms to get some sleep. Jordan flopped down on the bed and flipped on the TV.
"Sweetheart? Are you ok? All ready for this adventure?"
"Yeah, I guess. I mean, my boots are all broken in. I've got my backpack all packed ~ I don't think it's too heavy. We've got our water bottles all filled up and plenty of trail snacks. Yeah. I think I'm all set." It was the most I'd heard out of her at one time the whole trip.
"Ok. And otherwise. . .?"
"You mean about Michael?"
"Well. . . Yeah, sweetheart. You haven't really talked about it, and I just want to make sure that. . ."
"I guess I'll live. It's not like we were going to go to college together anyway. Besides, I don't think he could handle having a heart surgeon for a wife ~ he seems like the kind of person who wants to take care of his wife."
"That's sensible on your part. But. . ."
"It still hurts, Daddy. But I'll be ok." I"m pretty sure I caught "with or without this stupid hiking trip" under her breath, but I didn't call her on it.
"Alright, baby. I just want to make sure you're ok."
"Ok. You think we should get some sleep? I mean, do we really know what Sam has in store for us?"
"Sleep would probably be good. Sam's been doing this for years, and I know Leslie's done it with him before. He said it's not the hardest trail ~ and it's supposed to be really pretty with a waterfall and everything."
"Yay."
"Jordan. . ."
"I mean the everything part. Everything includes bears!"
"I don't think we have to worry about them. If we see any cubs, just make sure to leave them alone and don't get between them and their mother."
"Right. But if we can't see her, how do we know where she is? It's not like we can ask them where their mom is." I had to suppress a chuckle at that. Leave it to Jordan to be all logical about bears in the woods. "What if we keep walking and accidentally go in between them?"
"Jordan, I think you're over-thinking this. It's going to be a nice couple of days in the woods. And don't forget what Sam has said about the lodge at the top."
"Yeah, yeah. Double bunk beds with wool blankets. Hot chocolate and cookies when we get there. Roast beef for dinner. And they put in porta-johns a couple of years ago."
"Sweetheart, please try not to sound so excited." It was still all I could do to keep from laughing out loud at her, but I knew that would only get her upset.
"Sorry Dad. I'm tired, but is it ok if I set the sleep timer on the TV? I need some background noise."
"Sure baby. I'll see you in the morning. Good night. I love you!"
"I love you too, Daddy."
So the immediate crisis seems to have passed with the Michael thing. The part about her feeling stupid for falling in love still bothers me, but that could have been a reaction to the emotion of the moment. We'll see. Guess I'd better get some sleep.
In the morning, we got up, got ready and went to the Pancake Pantry for breakfast. It was good, and before we knew it, we were headed into the Great Smoky Mountains National Park to start our adventure. We hit the Rainbow Falls trail and started walking.
It didn't seem that bad at first, but then the realization that we'd gone from around 0 feet above sea level to around 3000 feet above sea level and still had 3500 feet to climb over 6.7 miles hit. In spite of my training with the force and Jordan's jogging, we were soon breathing hard and had to take a break. Finally I told Sam and Mary to go on ahead and we'd catch up with them at some point. I wasn't sure how fast I could take it, and I didn't want to push Jordan too much. After a while, we figured out a nice steady pace and made good progress. Around 11:30, we reached the falls and found Sam and Mary waiting for us. We all decided to eat lunch there, and then they took a fantastic picture of Jordan and me in front of the falls ~ I don't know where that's gotten to. After a brief rest to let the food settle, we started hiking again. It wasn't long before Sam and Mary were far ahead of us again.
Jordan and I didn't talk a lot on the trail, just little things here and there. As we kept climbing, we'd encounter other hikers, some of whom were obsessed enough to go up one trail and down another in one day. At one particular steep section of the trail, we met a man who said we "only" had about a mile and a half to go before we reached LeConte Lodge. The "only" came from Jordan who turned around and gave me a look like she wasn't at all sure she appreciated me getting her into this. We took a brief snack and water break and got ready to head up the trail. As we got up off the rocks, I noticed an expression of something resembling pain cross Jordan's face.
"You ok, sweetheart?"
"I don't really have a choice do I? I mean, we either go up or down, and since the keys to the van are probably at the top of the mountain, I don't see down as being a viable option."
"So that means you're not? Ok, I mean."
"Dad, my inner thighs are killing me. My legs hurt. But let's just keep going."
"Ok." So we kept on climbing. At one point, her feet were dragging a little and she tripped over a rock and stumbled forward. "Watch it, sweetheart. Watch it."
"Daddy, when I'm already falling and on the ground it doesn't really do a lot of good to tell me to watch it."
"You're right, Jordan. I'm. . ." But she was already up and going. Finally we reached the turn off to head up to the lodge. "Look, honey. We're almost there. Only six tenths of a mile to go."
"Yeah. Fine." She didn't sound enthused, and as I followed her gaze, I didn't have to wonder why. I wasn't even sure how excited I was with this prospect. The hill wasn't quite straight up and down, but it was pretty close.
We started up the last bit, and it went slower than anything we'd done so far. I didn't want to push Jordan, but I knew we needed to get up to the lodge soon. She'd go 25-50 yards and take a breather. I thought maybe a reminder of food would be helpful. "Just think of the roast beef dinner that's waiting for us at the top, Jordan. Let's go, sweetheart."
"Daddy, at this point, you could tell me Tom Cruise was waiting at the top to give me a full body massage and it wouldn't make me go any faster." But she did turn and continue up the hill ~ but not before I saw tears springing to her eyes and caught the catch in her voice.
Finally we made it to the lodge and settled into the cabin we would share with Sam and Mary. I think he'd originally been planning for more people to come, so we ended up with a cabin for 12, which gave us plenty of room to spread out. Jordan plopped down on the floor and put her feet up on the wall in some kind of stretch she'd learned in a section on yoga from gym class. Pretty soon it was time for dinner, which was just as good as Sam had promised.
After dinner, Sam, Mary and I decided to climb an additional two tenths of a mile to Cliff Tops for the sunset. Jordan opted to get some more hot chocolate and stay on the cabin's porch to watch the sunset from there. I wasn't totally sure about leaving her alone, but I knew her legs probably wouldn't take any more that day, and she seemed content to look out over the mountains and drink her hot chocolate.
When we got back, she wasn't at the cabin and I started to panic when Sam motioned for me to be quiet. The sound of a guitar and a strong alto voice drifted through the air. We followed it and found Jordan sitting on the main lodge's porch, playing an old guitar that stayed in the lodge and singing, with a small audience gathered around her. Sometimes I took her voice for granted ~ she really was talented. After an hour or so, we decided to head back to the cabin and make sure our kerosene lanterns were lit and begin to get ready for bed.
At some point in the night, I heard the door to Jordan's room open followed by footsteps across the floor. I heard a door open, and assumed she'd needed to go to the bathroom. When several minutes passed and there was no sound of her returning, I started to get worried. We hadn't seen any bears on the way up, but that didn't mean they weren't out there. What if. . .? I decided to go and see if I could find her.
When I got to the door that led outside, I noticed that it was still locked, then turned and saw that the door to the porch was the tiniest bit ajar. I opened it slowly and found Jordan sitting on the porch railing in a corner. Her chin was resting on her knees and she was gazing at the stars. I wasn't sure how to proceed, since the porch was about 14 feet off the ground where she was sitting and I didn't want to startle her and make her fall.
"Daddy?" She always knew when it was me. Even without looking, somehow she always knew.
"Yeah, sweetheart. You ok?"
"Yeah. Come here and look at the stars. They're so beautiful right now." I moved over towards her perch. She was right ~ the stars were beautiful.
"Yeah they are. It looks like you could almost touch them."
"Yeah. If only. . . Daddy?" She leaned into my chest and I automatically encircled her in my arms.
"Yeah?"
"Do you think she can see me?"
"I do, Jordan. I think she's watched over you every single day ~ she always will." Finally I felt her relax into my hug.
"I miss her. I wish she was here to talk to. I mean, you're great and all, but there are just some things. . . And I'm starting to forget her voice. . ."
"I know there are things that you need a mother for. I know. And I wish to God that she was still here. I miss her too, sweetheart."
"I know, Daddy. Oh ~ shooting star!" She was right, at that moment the brightest shooting star I'd ever seen flew across the sky.
"Better make a wish, sweetheart."
"Don't need to."
"What?"
"I've got you for my dad. All you care about is my being happy. Who else has a father who would drag her up a mountain to help heal a broken heart? Seriously, Daddy, what more could I possibly wish for?"
"Nothing, I guess." And I knew that there was nothing else I could wish for than that moment on that porch. We just stayed where we were for a while longer, gazing at the stars and just being with each other. With her starting college, I didn't know how many more of these moments we'd have.
The next morning, we woke to fog ~ they don't call them the Great Smoky Mountains for nothing. We got our stuff packed up and headed to the dining room for breakfast. It was a typical country breakfast ~ pancakes, scrambled eggs, bacon, biscuits, and grits. I won't even bother remembering what Jordan said about those ~ it wasn't very complimentary. I didn't think they were that bad, but Jordan's Jordan.
One of the workers came over to see how we were doing and asked what our plans were for going down. We'd planned to go down the same trail we came up, but he suggested that we go down the Bullhead Trail. It was a little longer, but it did end up at the same parking lot. He said that even without the falls, he thought it was a much prettier trail.
He was right. The trail was beautiful. Not one I'd want to go up since there was very little break in the elevation change. I'm not sure how much of it Jordan saw. In spite of her stretching the night before, her calves kept locking up, which made the trip down as painful as the first, if not moreso. With about a mile to go, I took her pack so she could focus on walking. We made it back to the van, and she collapsed in tears, as much from the emotion of the night before as her physical exhaustion ~ but the fact that we'd done it together obviously was something that stuck with both of us for a long time.
Present-day...
I realized that Jordan had fallen asleep in my arms, so I slid her back down under the covers and gently pulled the door almost shut before I headed to my room to get ready for bed. All the similarities between then and now. And yet things were so different, too.
I'd been right in my assessment that we might not have that many moments like that one on the cabin's porch that night. But I never forgot a second of it. And I get the feeling that Jordan hasn't either. One time we'd gone to visit my sister at the beach and were out walking at night when a shooting star blazed across the sky. It wasn't as bright as the one on the mountain, but Jordan turned and gave me a smile as she squeezed my hand. Somehow that time on the mountain gave her what she needed to heal her broken heart ~ that time.
Meanwhile in Los Angeles. . .
Woody. . .
I can't quite believe I'm actually out here in LaLa-land! I never thought anything would come of my adventure with the Sunset Division last year trying to help Annie out by finding who killed her father. And then a couple of weeks ago I got this call from Owens at work. They had talked about it and were all impressed with what I'd done when I was out here. Wanted to offer me a place on their squad. Every guy's dream, right? The gun, the badge, plus all the extra new high-tech gadgets? How could I possibly pass it up? I almost did, though.
I mean, yeah, it was a great time and all when I was out here before, but I'm a small-town kind of guy pretty much. Boston is one thing. Los Angeles is quite another. This place is hugs and the pace is fast ~ neck-breaking fast! Could I really adjust to and even thrive on the lifestyle out here? But it wasn't just lifestyle. . .
I'd spent a year and a half chasing the one woman I've ever felt like was my perfect compliment, and we'd come so close so many times. But was close enough? Could I really leave Jordan? Would I be an idiot to give this chance to work with a division like this or an idiot to give up my chance with Jordan? Would she even care? I remember the conversation about the call. . .
Three weeks earlier. . .
I hopped off the elevator and went down the hall to Jordan's office where, thankfully, we'd already agreed to meet to go and grab a bite to eat and "talk about things." And man did we have things to talk about today. Right before I left, I'd gotten the call from Owens offering me a spot in the Sunset Division. I needed to talk with Jordan about it and see where things stood with us. I wasn't looking forward to this conversation. We'd talked about things between us and I really felt like they were getting to a point where. . . And now this. I knew I had to make a decision, I just didn't know how or what that decision was going to be.
We did lunch from time to time, but sometimes she was late getting out of autopsy. Not today. Today she was sitting at her desk staring out the window.
"Knock, knock. Can anyone enter this private reverie?"
"Oh, hey, Woody. I'm all set ~ let me just grab my bag." I'd gotten used to Jordan and her "hands off at work" policy ~ "I've got a reputation to uphold you know," she'd said, winking at me ~ but she seemed a little cold and distant as we left the building and headed towards lunch.
We walked down the street and soon found ourselves in front of the little Mexican restaurant we'd found ourselves at before I shot my first person on the job.
"Hey, Woody? Seems I remember something about the chimichangas being on me and I've never made good on that. Want to eat here?"
"Sure." Ok, Jordan looking out the window aimlessly when I came in, Jordan suggesting Tex-Mex food out of the blue. . . Does she know something? And if she does, than how?
So we went in and managed to get seated in a corner by the window. Perfect, secluded enough that maybe we could talk about this and what it could mean for me. . .for us. We ordered our food, our drinks came, and the she looked at me from across the table.
"So, Woody. What's up?"
"The usual you know. Bad guys do something, we catch them, arrest them, the D.A.'s try them, hopefully they get. . ."
"Woody."
"What?"
"I got a call last night from an old friend. An old friend you know."
"Huh?"
"You remember Chirullo?"
"Yeah. . ."
"He called."
"Any particular reason?" My heart was sinking fast. Why would he call her out of the blue? Either he was thinking of moving to Boston or. . . Owens wouldn't have talked to him would he?
"Yeah. Seems he wanted to do a background check on you. Some guy named Owens requested it? Anyway, he remembered that I was the one who sent you to him when you were out in L.A. before and just wanted to ask me some things."
"What kind of things?"
"Oh, like how you were as a detective, did you ever fly off the handle, would I trust you with my life if we were working together. Rather interesting questions from out of the blue."
"What'd you tell him?"
"The truth."
"Which is. . .?"
"You always ask your references what they said? I'll be right back. I've got to. . ." And she was off in the direction of the bathroom, probably because she didn't want me to see her cry. I'd heard her voice catch and knew instinctively that she was on the verge of tears. Not wanting to threaten her, I hadn't met her eyes ~ but I saw the fear, the hurt in them as she looked at me and told me about her phone call.
She returned in a few minutes, just in time for our food to come ~ food I doubted would get eaten. She was trying to cover, but I could definitely tell that she'd been crying. "You ok?"
"Yeah. Great. Oh, here's our food." The server put the food down, and after checking to make sure we were fine, quickly left us alone.
"Jordan, I. . ."
"What the hell is this about Woody? Why is someone in Los Angeles doing a background check on references? Are you looking for a job out there?"
"I'm not looking Jordan; they're looking at me."
"What?"
"You remember that special unit I was telling you about from when I was in L.A. before? The Sunset Division?"
"Yeah. . ."
"The guy I worked with the most, the Owens that Chirullo mentioned, he. . .he. . ."
"He what, Woody?"
"He called me up this morning ~ just before I came to pick you up actually ~ and offered me a spot on the squad." She just sat there and looked at me. I still had difficulty reading her from time to time, and at that moment her face was inscrutable. "Jordan?"
"Are you going to take it?" The voice was so tiny I could hardly believe it belonged to Jordan ~ and I could hardly hear her.
"What?"
"I said, are you going to take it?"
"I don't know, Jordan. I've got a lot of things to sort through. The most important one is us."
"Us?"
"Us ~ you know, you and me? Our. . . What is this exactly that we have?"
"I thought it was a relationship, but maybe I was wrong."
"No, I think we've got a relationship too ~ I just wasn't sure. . ."
"If I'd freak out if you put a label on it? Give me a little credit, Woody."
"I'm sorry." She took a deep breath and looked at me. There was a long pause before she said anything. I opted to keep my mouth shut for fear of inserting my foot yet again.
"So what do you want to know about 'us' and this job offer?"
"Jordan, I know it's taken a while for us to develop this relationship, and I don't just want to throw it away. I need to know. . ."
"Woody, I can't promise that this is forever. I just can't. Do I care about you? Yes. Do I want you to be happy? Yes. Do I want you in my life? Yes. Believe it or not, Woody Hoyt, I've actually broken my one cardinal rule of relationships with you."
"What's that?"
"I've fallen in love with you, Woody."
"What?"
"I love you. I love you. I. . ." And she threw the money I hadn't even noticed she'd pulled from her wallet onto the table for the bill, grabbed her bag, and ran out the door, unable to hide the tears that were falling from her huge brown eyes.
Shit. I never meant for this to happen. I quickly made sure there was enough on the table for the bill and a decent tip, then I ran out the door, but she was gone ~ nowhere to be found.
I ran down a couple of streets, but catching no sign of her, I decided the best thing was to head back to the precinct and give her a little time to get back to the morgue; then I'd call her, or better yet go by.
A couple of hours later I found myself back at the morgue getting off the same elevator. Nigel saw me in the hall and came out from behind the computer he was working at.
"If you're looking for Jordan, she's not here mate."
"What? Is she on a case?"
"No."
"Please tell me she came back from lunch."
"Oh, she came back alright. She and Lily locked themselves in Lily's office for about an hour, then Garret went in for a few minutes. Then she came out and left. Garret just said that he'd sent her home."
"Shit."
"I take it something happened between you two?"
"Sort of."
"Listen Woodrow, I don't give advice about Jordan often ~ hell, I'd hardly know what to say ~ but I've never seen her like this. Go and talk to her, figure out a way to work things out, or at least live with things as they are."
"You really think that she'll. . ."
"Detective Hoyt?!?"
"Dr. Macy. . ."
"Will you step into my office for a minute, please?"
"Of course, sir." Nigel looked at me as if to say "good luck, mate" as I cautiously moved towards Garret's office.
"Come in and have a seat Woody."
"Yes sir." So I moved into his office to hear the door click shut behind me. Feeling like I'd been sent to the principal's office, I took a seat on the sofa along the wall and waited for the lecture to begin.
"Woody, you can relax. I'm not going to yell at you."
"Alright." He sat down next to me, somewhat shattering the school kid-principal drama running through my mind.
"We've worked together on a few cases, and I feel like I've gotten to know you pretty well."
"Yes sir. I agree."
"And I've watched you chase Jordan ever since you got here."
"Yes sir."
"And, to my amazement, I've watched her fall in love with you."
"You. . .?"
"Now, I don't know what happened with the two of you at lunch, but I do know that I've not seen Jordan like this over any man before."
"I. . . Garret, what does this have to do. . .?"
"Woody, Jordan's more than just a co-worker to me ~ she's like a kid sister. And I'll always do whatever it takes to help her and protect her."
"Um. . ."
"That being said, the two of you are going to have to continue to work together. Even if you go to another precinct, we're the morgue."
"Garret, I don't understand exactly what you're saying."
"Woody, I'm saying please go and talk to her. You don't have to. . . Just talk to her. Talk through whatever happened with the two of you at lunch. I don't care if the two of you end up married with kids ~ Jordan with kids sort of frightens me to be honest, but I digress ~ but I do care that you maintain a good working relationship."
"Yes sir."
"Now, I sent her home about a half hour ago. I doubt she'd go to Max's in the state she was in ~ she likes to be alone with her misery. Why don't you try her apartment first, then the Pogue if she's not there. I made her promise me that she wouldn't run away again."
"Huh?" I started to reach for my cell phone, thinking that perhaps if I called her first.
"Long story. But put the phone away, Woody. This is a conversation that's supposed to happen face to face."
"Yes sir."
"Now get out of here."
So I drove over to Jordan's building. She'd told me the code one time before when I had to get the coat I'd left after dinner the night before out of her place while she was stuck in an autopsy she couldn't leave, so I decided to bypass the buzzer and go right up. I got to the huge door and knocked. I heard her moving towards the door, then a muffled voice came through. . .
"What do you want, Woody?"
"Jordan, I want to talk to you. Please." Slowly I heard the locks being released and the door swung open. She was in sweats and a tank top, her hair pulled into a ponytail. There were no tears on her face, but her eyes were red and slightly swollen.
She moved towards the futon ~ which was set up as a couch at the moment ~ and sat down. I waited to see where she wanted me to go, and to my surprise, she motioned for me to join her on the futon. I sat down, turned to her, and reached out for her hand.
"Jordan, I'm sorry."
"I love you, Woody."
"I. . . Oh God, Jordan, I love you too."
"But you want to leave."
"Jordan, I don't know."
"But the job. . ."
"Sweetie, I did not apply for this. I promise you. This offer came out of the blue."
"When?"
"Like I said at the restaurant, Owens called me this morning right before lunch. I had no idea they were even looking at me in any way."
"Really?"
"Yeah. I mean, I liked working with them, but even being from the Boston P.D. now I felt like they all looked at me as some little hick kid who got lost and came to play for a while in the big kids' sandbox. I never thought they'd even consider me for a spot there. I never even asked what one would have to do if one wanted to work with them. I. . ."
"I believe you."
"You do?"
"Yeah. The look on your face when I said Hector had called. You really need to work on your poker face, farm boy."
"Oh." I thought I saw the beginnings of a smile on her face with that comment, but I wasn't sure.
"So, what are you gonna do?"
"Jordan, I don't know yet. I mean, if I'm being honest I'd have to say that I would love to work with that group. They are incredible. But then I look at everything I've got here, and this fits too."
She squeezed my hand, which she'd been holding since I sat down, even harder and slid and leaned forward until her face was thisclose to mine. She just sat there for a minute and then placed her lips on mine. It was one of the slowest, deepest kisses we'd ever shared. Hell, it was one of the slowest, deepest kisses I'd ever experienced. And definitely full of meaning. When our lips broke apart, she kept her face right up to mine.
"I didn't do that so you'd stay, Woody. I need you to understand how much I love you. Even if you leave ~ I love you."
"I love you too, Jordan. So much." She still wasn't moving.
"Woody?"
"Yeah?"
"Make love with me?" It was a question, not a demand. A question so full of emotion and chances she probably never allowed herself to feel. For the first time since this whole thing with us started, I felt just how deeply Jordan cared for me and just how big of a risk this really was for her.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes. And I'm not. . . Woody, even if you decide to take this job, I want you. I need you, Woody. I love you." And she kissed me again, deeper even than before. Her arms went around my neck and my arms went around her back. Neither of us seemed in a hurry to finish, and so everything was deliciously, sometimes excruciatingly slow. Slowly all our clothes disappeared, and I gently picked her up to transform the futon from sofa to bed. I gently lay her down as we continued to kiss each other, our kisses and our bodies saying everything our minds and mouths couldn't. . .
Afterwards, we lay entwined in each other's arms for what seemed like hours. It was almost as if we were both afraid to move, to speak, to do anything to break the magic of the moment. I looked down at Jordan, and couldn't tell if she was sleeping or just "resting her eyes" and savoring the sensation of everything that had happened. Finally I reached up and stroked her long, dark hair. She stirred a little and looked up at me.
"Hey you."
"Hey."
"Woody? I love you."
"I love you too Jordan. I love you too."
"So, what are we gonna do now? I mean. . ."
"Well, I've got a couple of days until I have to let them know anything. So let's not think about that right now."
"Ok."
"But for the immediate future, I don't want to break the mood or anything, but I didn't exactly eat a lot at lunch, and I'm pretty hungry." Thankfully she laughed out loud at that. She sat up, pulling the sheet around her, and leaned over and gave me a kiss.
"Well, I don't have anything worth eating here, so I guess we're gonna have to go out. And since I bought lunch. . ."
"I know, I know. My turn to buy." I playfully tossed a pillow at her as she disappeared into the bathroom. Moments later I heard the shower running and suppressed the urge to join her. I settled for a quick sponge off at the kitchen sink and then pulled my clothes back on.
We spent as much time together as our jobs would permit for the next day and a half. Breakfast ~ or coffee and a croissant on the way to work, lunch, dinner, evenings at the Pogue then back to her place. I had to go by my place to get some stuff, but I knew that she felt safe in her place and didn't push her to transfer to mine. Separating was excruciating. I hated leaving her side for even a minute. So things should have been easy, right? I had the woman of my dreams and we were so in love. But. . .
As much in love with her as I was and as much fun as we were having, a dark cloud was hanging over my head. I'm sure Jordan sensed it, hell she probably felt it too, but she did her best to ignore it. The email from Owens came the morning after our first time together with the details of the offer. The bottom line was, with the career opportunities and the money, it was a hard offer to pass up. But not passing up that opportunity meant passing up the woman I loved, the life we could have had together.
I knew Jordan couldn't move back to L.A. and still work as an M.E. That bridge had been burned, and unlike Garret, her former boss there was not into rebuilding. I couldn't ask her to give up a job and a workplace she loved not knowing where she'd work somewhere else. I couldn't ask her to leave her father, her friends, her support structure.
And yet I couldn't ask myself to pass up an offer like this. The Boston P.D. was great and I loved working there. But in many ways it really was an old boys' club ~ all about who you know and how you're related. That made promotion difficult. This job with the Sunset Division. . . I knew what I had to do. As much as it hurt me, hurt Jordan, I had to take the job. Maybe we could hold things together long-distance what with email, phone calls, frequent flyer miles. And maybe in a little while Jordan's old boss would be gone and/or she would have proven herself enough to get her L.A. job back. Or maybe there was some way I could find for the sunset Division to use her. Or maybe I'd hate it. The only thing I knew for sure was that I'd hate myself if I didn't take the chance that this job presented. But how to tell Jordan. . .?
Back to present-day. . .
As it turns out, I took the chicken-shit way out. I'm not proud of it, but I couldn't bring myself to face her eyes when I told her. So I left. We'd made love and she was curled up in my arms, sound asleep. Around 3am, I slowly slid our from under her and held my breath as she moved in her sleep, praying that she wouldn't wake up. She didn't. I quietly got dressed and gathered the things I'd left at her place for convenience, putting them in a bag I'd brought with me. I set the bag down at the door and went back to take one last look at Jordan. She looked like an angel lying there on the bed. I leaned over and gently kissed her lips, then I went to the door. One long look back, and I left.
It was the hardest thing I'd ever done, walking out that door when every fiber of my being was screaming for me to turn around and stay with Jordan. I didn't know what I was walking into, but I knew what I was leaving behind. I already hated myself, but I knew I'd hate myself just as much if I passed up this chance. And I didn't even want to think about Jordan's face the next morning when I wasn't there and there was no answer at my house ~ and then she called the precinct and found out. . . The thought of the pain that would be there was too much for me to take. I felt sick just thinking about it. If the taxi I'd ordered before going to see Jordan hadn't been there, I don't know what I would have done.
The waiting taxi driver put my bag into the car, and we headed to my apartment to collect the other bags I'd already packed. At the airport, I dropped a note in the mailbox. I know, chicken-shit! But I knew if I left a note at her place, she'd come to me and ask me to stay. If she asked me to stay, I don't know that I could resist. And if I did stay, I didn't want to think of how I might grow to resent her for asking me to give up this chance. With a mailed note, it would at least give me the chance to get out of town. And I put the phone number for Sunset Division in the note. I promised I'd call her with my new number and that we'd stay in touch and I'd visit as much as possible. I told her I loved her. . .
I was an idiot!
Damn it, where is she? For a week, I've tried her cell, no answer; her home, no answer; her work, no answer. I'm beginning to get the distinct impression she's ignoring me. Or avoiding my calls. I really need to talk with her. I know how I left was wrong, but. . . There's no but. I was a jerk. Maybe I'll just try the morgue's main number and ask for her. I mean, it's not like the receptionist will remember my voice. Yeah. That's it. . .
"Massachusetts Medical Examiner's Office. How may I help you?"
"Hello. May I please speak with Dr. Jordan Cavanaugh?"
"One mom-. . . Woody? Is that you?"
Shit. "Um, yeah. It is. . ."
"It's Lily. Emmy was sick today so we're all taking turns covering the phone ~ well, I'm doing most of it."
"Oh. I see. Well, is. . ." I heard a distinct shuffle and struggle in the background. Maybe Jordan had heard my name and Garret or someone heard her and was trying to make her get on the phone. I could hope, right?
"Woodrow. What are you doing?"
Great, it was Nigel. "Um, well, I was calling to talk with Jordan and. . ."
"Uh uh. No way."
"What? Is she not there?"
"No, fortunately she's out on a case, but you wouldn't be talking to her anyway. I'm not going to let you. You have no idea the mess you left behind."
"All I did was. . ."
"I mean, it's not like what she left last year what with the D.A. investigating her father. But the emotional fallout hasn't been pretty. We've had our hands full around here between the cases and helping her cope with everything. Max said that he hasn't seen her like this since. . ."
Oh God. What had I done? I heard someone else in the background and before I knew it Garret was on the phone.
"Hoyt, what the hell are you doing? I haven't worked like hell to keep Jordan here in spite of what a lot of people on the force and in the D.A.'s office would like to see happen only to have her fall apart because just when she finally started to open herself up to someone emotionally he up and leaves for a swanky new job in Los Angeles with only a note in the mail."
"I just didn't. . ."
"Didn't know how to tell her? How about something like 'Jordan, I've gotten an offer for a job in Los Angeles and would like to talk with you about it?' You don't think that would have worked?"
"I was afraid to. I. . . I didn't want to see the look on her face. I was chicken-shit about it, I know. I just want to talk with her and maybe straighten things out."
"What's to straighten? You're there and she's here."
"I just. . ." I'd never heard Garret this angry. I knew he cared about Jordan like a big brother does for his little sister, but I had no idea he'd be this upset. I guess I made things even worse than I'd imagined.
"Even if she was here, there's no way I'd let you talk to her. Between Max and Dr. Stiles and myself we've managed to get her back on an even keel and I'm not about to let you wreck that."
"But. . ."
"Why don't you give me your number and when we feel she's up to it and she feels like it I'll have her give you a call?"
"Well, I guess so." Feeling lower than scum, I gave him my information.
"Alright. I've got it. Enjoy the sunshine. Good-bye Hoyt." And I heard the phone click and the line go dead.
What had I done? What was I thinking when I ran out like that? Woody, you are an idiot and a jerk. You knew how much it took for Jordan to open up to you like she did. What did you think she was going to do when she got the letter? Hop on the first plane out here and bring you back home again? Yeah, I guess maybe I thought that she. . . Damn it, why was I such a chicken-shit idiot?
Back in the morgue. . .
"Guys, don't you think you were a little hard on him?"
"Lilliput, have you not seen the same Jordan we have walking around for the past couple of weeks?" Nigel was looking at her incredulously.
"Well, yes. But can you blame Woody for taking a job to better himself, especially when he wasn't able to get any promotions here in Boston?"
"Lily, we don't blame him for taking the job. We blame him for the way he left. The running out in the middle of the night and mailing ~ not leaving it in her apartment for her to find, not calling her from the airport even, and especially not talking with her in person ~ mailing the note to her. Would she have let him go? Probably. I've known Jordan for several years now. She would have said something about how he couldn't pass an opportunity like this up and he should go and take it. That he'd be stupid not to. She would have driven him to the airport herself. Yes, she would have been upset about him leaving, but she wouldn't have stood in his way. And she wouldn't have gone into the tailspin we're just beginning to pull her out of."
"Oh. I see your point now. I hadn't thought of it that way. So I'm guessing I'm not to tell Jordan that he called?"
"Exactly. I told him the truth. I have his phone numbers and when she's ready, I'll give them to her and she can make the decision to contact him. I only hope he'll stop trying to call her house and her cell. Thank God she's got caller ID for both those lines. Now, let's get back to work and keep things as normal as we can."
Back in Los Angeles. . .
Ok, so I'm an idiot! A chicken-shit idiot. I move out here for this job with Sunset Division and they've got me stuck inside doing paperwork. I could have stayed in Boston and done paperwork. I know I should be grateful that I got offered a job inside, especially not being local, and Owens keeps telling me that something will come my way, I just have to be patient. But now knowing how badly I hurt Jordan, I mean really knowing, I'm beginning to wish that I'd just stayed put.
I know I promised Garret that I wouldn't call, but maybe just one more try. Maybe I can help her understand why. . .
"Pogue Mahone."
Shit! What number did I. . .? Oh crap! I hit 5 rather than 2 on my speed dial.
"Hello? Is anyone there?"
Right, gotta say something. "I'm sorry, I think I. . ."
"Hoyt? What the hell are you doing calling here?"
"Max, I was just. . ."
"You leave my girl in the middle of the night, send her a note and then call here and try to act like it's a wrong number?"
"I didn't mean to. . . Max, I'm so sorry. I had no idea. . ."
"That you'd hurt her like you did? Let me tell you something about Jordan. She has this tough exterior that she's built up to protect herself from being hurt when she loses someone like she did her mother. If you get inside, that shows a huge amount of trust on her part. And you had gotten inside. I think the only other people who she's ever allowed inside that shell like she did you are Garret and myself."
"I. . ."
"Hoyt, it's been a long time since I've seen Jordan like she's been these past couple of weeks. And I've got to tell you, I don't like it. When she got your note, it took every ounce of restraint I have in my body to not get on the next plane to Los Angeles. But then I thought better of it and decided that getting myself arrested was not what she needed right now. I had to think of Jordan. Which is why I'm going to tell you as nicely as I can that I don't want you to call here, to call my house, or especially to call Jordan at all. Or best intentions aside I'm not sure that I can resist coming out there and. . ."
"Alright, sir. I understand. And I am sorry. I just wish. . ."
"Just leave her alone Hoyt." And yet again, the phone went dead.
I couldn't help it ~ I put my head down on my desk like I did when I was in school and wrapped my arms around the top of my head. I felt lower than dirt. Yeah, leaving Annie was one thing. It was the chicken-shit way out, but we'd grown up together and known each other all our lives. She knew that I wanted bigger than Kewaunee. But this is different. I worked so hard to be with Jordan, to understand her, to be her friend, to get through to her and help her understand that I wasn't. . .that I wasn't the type of guy who would just leave. And what did I do?
Suddenly, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up and saw Owens standing there.
"You ok, Hoyt?"
"Yeah. I'm just feeling like a jerk right now. When I came out here I took the chicken-shit way out ~ left my girlfriend in the middle of the night and mailed her a note from the airport."
"Boy scout like you did something like that? That's low."
"I know. And I knew it would hurt her, but I had no idea how badly. I've spent the morning being reamed out by her co-workers who are worse than big brothers. And then I was trying to call her cell phone and accidentally called her father's bar and had the pleasure of talking with him."
"Ouch. So I'll spare you my lecture on the subject for now. Why don't you come with me? Merry's still on the D.L. and I've got a case I need someone competent to work with me on it. And for whatever reason I'm picking you."
We walked towards the entrance and got into his car. We didn't say much on the way to wherever we were going. Pretty soon, things started to look familiar. Even though I hadn't been in L.A. that long, I looked around and realized I'd seen this part before.
"Owens? Where exactly are we going?"
"Out to this tiny town in the Mojave. We usually wouldn't work anything out here but it ties into another case the Division's working on. Actually, it's off a dirt road on the way to the town."
I had a weird feeling in my gut about where we were going. Everything about this road was too familiar. "Um, does this 'tiny town' have a name?"
"Yep. San Quivera."
Oh shit. And as if things weren't already making me uncomfortable enough, Owens turned the car onto an all-too-familiar stretch of dirt road and about six miles later, pulled the car off to the side.
Shit! Why of all places did it have to be here? Same damn stretch of road, same general location. . .I think. I wonder if there's any trace of. . .
"Well, well. Looks like someone tried camping out here a while ago."
"What?"
"Look, Hoyt. You can still see the fire ring. Whoever made that one knew what he was doing. Probably a boy scout in a former life or something."
"Yeah. Or something." I can't believe it's still there. I can't believe I'm here again. All the memories of this place ~ the dreams I've had ever since. Jordan's lips on mine. . .
"Hoyt!"
"Huh?"
"Where the hell are you? I've been talking to you for the past three minutes. You ok?"
"Yeah, I'm just. . ."
"Well, fine. Come on. The body's over here."
"Body?"
"Yeah boy wonder. You know that case we've been working? The kidnapping?"
"The homecoming queen who disappeared just after Thanksgiving?"
"That's the one. We think we found her."
We walked over to a site just behind some brush about 25 yards away from the spot where I'd built that fire. What we found were the badly decomposed remains of. . .somebody. Someone from the coroner's office was already on the scene taking their pictures and stuff. He looked up at us as we approached.
"Hey Owens. Who's the new guy?"
"Name's Hoyt. We just brought him here from Boston. He's good."
"Boston, huh?"
"Yes, sir. Wisconsin before that."
"I knew someone from Boston ~ I think she moved back there. She worked in our office until her problems with the chief got out of hand. This is exactly the kind of case she would have loved."
"Yeah ~ Jordan always likes to be the voice for those who don't have one anymore."
"Jordan? You know Cavanaugh? That's who I was talking about!"
"Yeah. We. . .um. . ."
"Hey, I don't want to break up this little reunion, but we need to get to work."
"Alright, Owens. Just let me get a few more pictures ~ we'll share if that's ok. . ."
"Sure. The sooner we get her out of here the better. Don't want the press on this one before we know anything."
"Right."
"So, Hoyt. Your gut telling you anything about. . .? Hoyt!"
"Huh?"
"That fire ring you're so interested in telling you anything?"
"Just that I think I made the biggest mistake of my life and there's no way to undo it."
"What? What the hell are you talking about? Wait a minute. You looked a little green from the time I mentioned San Quivera. And that green look only increased from the moment we pulled off the main road. And now this fascination with the fire ring. Something you're not telling me that I should know here Hoyt?"
"It's just that. . . I've been here before."
"Here? Why the hell have you been here?"
"Back in late November, I caught a case in Boston that traced back to this area. I came out to investigate it and. . .um. . .Jordan ~ the woman I left behind ~ came out after me. She's the person the M.E. was talking about."
"The one you left without saying anything to?"
"Yeah. We were headed out to San Quivera to talk to the vic's family when the 69 Caddy she'd rented broke down."
"Gee, can't imagine why it would do that out here in this dust and heat."
"Yeah. So we decided to wait until it was cooler in the morning and walk back for help. I'm the one who built that fire ring. To keep us warm. The first time she kissed me was right over there."
"Aw. Sweet story. It end anytime soon?"
"This guy came by and offered one of us a ride to get help, but he thought we were aliens. It was surreal, that's for sure. I went with him and she stayed behind because he said he only had room for one of us."
"And this was late November?"
"Yeah. The last week. Why?"
"Man is your woman lucky. A week later based on the timeline of the girl's disappearance and you might have left her in the wrong place at the wrong time. We think it was the first week in December that whoever did this brought her up here."
"Shit."
"Yeah. Well. . . Hoyt?"
"Yeah."
"You're good ~ real good. And I want you out here in this division. I really do. But man, you gotta settle these ghosts one way or another."
"What do you mean?"
"This location's got you spooked. You flinched when the M.E, started talking about ~ Jordan, was it?"
"Yeah."
"Listen, take a week or two and go back to Boston. Talk with your woman. Get things straightened out with her one way or another. I'll cover for you. I want you out here, but I want you 100% with us. You're no good this way. You'll end up getting someone seriously damaged in a physical way."
"But I. . ."
"Hoyt, if you want the job here you've got it. But you've got to get this straightened out. It's affecting your work, and I'd wager money that it's affecting hers as well." He looked towards the guys collecting evidence from the scene, "Hey guys? Can you handle the collection? The heat's kind of getting to Hoyt and I'm gonna run him back into the air-conditioning of town."
They said they'd take care of it. Owens drove me to my new apartment where I threw some things in a bag while he called and made flight reservations. He dropped me at LAX with instructions to keep him posted on things. I got checked in and went to wait for my flight.
Flying back alone was bizarre. The two previous times back to Boston, I'd had Jordan with me to keep me company. It's one hell of a long flight if you're on your own. In some ways it felt good to be going back to Boston ~ I needed to talk with Jordan. Leaving the way I did was not cool, and I knew that even if she was trying to hide it, I'd hurt her badly. I didn't relish the thought of how I was going to get to her. Odds were I was going to have to get through Garret and/or Nigel and/or Max ~ and the thought of any one or any combination terrified me.
Finally, after being alone with my thoughts for way too long, the flight landed. I headed for the courtesy desk to find a motel room, then caught their shuttle and got settled in. It was late, so I just grabbed some food from the vending machine and went to my room to try and sleep. I'd deal with how to get to Jordan in the morning. . .after I'd hopefully gotten some sleep.
What the. . .? Where am I? Oh, that's right. Boston. I almost forgot I wasn't in "sunny Southern California." Yeah, right. What's the point if I'm too miserable to look up and enjoy the scenery? Thank God the Hampton Inn out near Logan had space. I couldn't face going into the city and trying to find somewhere to stay!
Ok, Wood, let's see. Get showered and cleaned up, get dressed, grab something from the continental breakfast bar. Wait. Maybe eating's not such a good idea. Oh, I don't know. No, I'll just make some coffee here in the room and get ready and then. . .and then go and get my butt kicked by every male who knows Jordan. And then she'll probably take whatever's left over. Yeah boy, this is gonna be one hell of a fun day.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
About 2 hours later we find Woody standing outside the M.E.'s building, but hidden enough that no one can see him from the windows. . .
Ok, Woody. You can do this. It's just going up to talk with her. Not a big deal. I mean, you've done this hundreds of times. Yeah ~ hundreds of times when we were working a case together. This is a completely different ballgame and. . .
"What the hell are you doing back here?"
I felt a hand put a death grip on my shoulder as the all-too-familiar voice broke into my thoughts. I turned around slowly and found myself face to face with. . .
"Garret. Hi. Um. . ."
"Don't tell me there's another California-Massachusetts case you're working."
"No, um. . ."
"Good."
I didn't know what to say to him, so I just stood there, wishing I was anywhere but where I was at the moment.
"You gonna answer my question? What the hell are you doing back here?"
"I just. . . They sent me back."
"You screw up out there already?"
"No, no. Not that kind of sending back. I just. . . I couldn't concentrate on anything because. . .because I felt like shit for the way I left."
"As well you should. It took us two weeks to get Jordan back to at least a functional level. And if I'm not mistaken, I told you to leave her the hell alone. And I'm pretty sure Nigel and Max told you the same thing."
"Yes, all of you did. And I was trying ~ for a while anyway. But then I went with Owens out to do the preliminary survey for a case the division was working on and. . ."
"I thought we covered this. You said it wasn't an inter-state case."
"It's not. It was in the desert where. . . What did Jordan tell you about us and what happened between us?"
"Would this be the place where she kissed you for the first time?"
"Yeah."
"I guess sometimes God does have a sense of humor."
"Ha ha. But anyway, my concentration which was already shot just got worse and he put me on a plane out here to straighten things out."
"Well, that's one assignment that I don't see you finishing. Stay away from Jordan."
"But. . ."
"You don't think you've done enough damage?"
"Garret, please. I need to see her. To talk with her."
"What makes you think she'd listen to you after this?"
"I don't know. Maybe I just have a little more faith in Jordan that you do. I know you've known her for a long time now, but. . ."
"You think a little sex is going to make you more 'listenable'? Where the hell do you. . .? Never mind. She'll be back from the field any minute now. I've got to put you somewhere safe until I think of what to do with you. Come on."
"What? Into the morgue?"
"At least there I can keep an eye on you and keep you from wandering in and screwing up her life again. At least until I figure out how to see if she'd even be amenable to talking with you."
"Ok. Fine."
We got into the building and took the stairs up to the morgue. Garret said he hated them, but that was the best way to get me in there without anyone seeing us to ask questions or say something to Jordan about seeing me. Garret looked around his office and I guess finally decided that there was a spot on the couch that would make it not obvious that someone was in there besides Garret.
"Now you just sit there and look at a magazine or something. And you'd better pray that it's not Jordan who comes in to give me the preliminary report."
"Yes sir."
Prayers were answered a few minutes later. There was a knock on the door ~ first sign it probably wasn't Jordan ~ and Garret looked up and called for the person to come in. I relaxed until I heard another familiar voice. . .
"Garret, I've got the. . . Sweet Nancy, is that who. . .?"
"Hi Nigel."
"Woodrow, what the hell are you doing here?"
"I was. . ."
"Apparently he was moping around the new job and they sent him back here to 'settle things.'"
"Thank God Jordan went straight to the locker room to get ready for trace and autopsy. I don't even want to think about the repair job we'd have on our hands if she'd been the one. . ."
"I know, Nigel. I know."
"So what are we going to do with our boy genius here?"
"That's what I've been trying to figure out. I don't suppose you think that Jordan's. . ."
"Up to a little surprise visit? Bloody hell no. I didn't spend the last two weeks using every 'big brother' type thing I knew of to get her back to a functional level to have you just waltz in here and screw it all up."
"Nigel, I didn't mean for any. . ."
"Any of this to happen? Well it did. And we're the ones who picked up the pieces."
"I. . ."
"Nigel, why don't you get ready to help Jordan in trace. She'll probably be out in a minute and. . ."
"Right. We don't need her coming in here and finding this."
Great, so now I was an object. Oh well, I guess I deserved it.
I stayed in Garret's office for most of the day. There were several times I heard people in the hall scrambling to keep Jordan out of my hiding place. Lily came in once and she, while a little more sympathetic than Garret or Nigel had been, was fiercely protective of Jordan. I guess after she blabbed the conversation she and Jordan had to Garret and got caught she felt like she owed it to her to warn me off as well.
Finally around 4, I had to go to the bathroom and no one was around to escort me. Garret was listening to something case-related that Bug was trying to explain. Lily was doing notification of a family. And Nigel was busy doing some fancy electronics testing.
Well, it can't be that bad. What are the odds of me running into her on my way to the men's room. And it's not like she'll be in there. Right. I'll just run down the hall and. . .
But I forgot that the easiest way to get there was to go right by Jordan's office. I'd been led another way all day, but I never really paid attention. My feet automatically took their normal path, a fact I was completely unaware of until I heard a voice behind me. . .
"Woody? Woody? Is that you?"
I turned and saw Jordan standing in the doorway of her office. Her face looked hopeful ~ until I got to her red-rimmed, tear-filled eyes which betrayed her true emotions. This was the moment I'd been waiting for ~ and dreading ~ ever since Owens put me on the plane out here with orders to straighten things out with Jordan. I swallowed hard and croaked the only words that would come out of my mouth. . .
"Hi Jordan." Shit. D-day. I just stood there, hoping that my voice would return. Jordan looked at me and swallowed hard.
"What are you doing here, Woody?"
"I came back because I need to talk to you. It's important."
"Isn't that usually the line a woman uses?"
"Jordan, I. . ."
I didn't see Garret come up behind me, and I jumped about a mile in the sky at the sound of his voice.
"Detective Hoyt, I thought I gave you explicit instructions to stay. . ."
"Garret, it's ok."
"Are you sure Jordan?"
"No. But. . ."
"I'll be in my office if you need anything." Garret stepped between us and gave Jordan a big hug. "Do what you need to ~ you've got my. . .our support whatever."
"Thanks Garret."
We watched him walk down the hall and heard his office door close. Finally after what seemed like an eternity, Jordan looked at me.
"Woody, come on in here. No sense in making it easy for them to overhear." At which we heard a scuffling of feet and chairs as people rushed to get back to acting like they were working. It's comforting to know that some things never change.
We moved into her office. Jordan motioned towards the couch and proceeded towards the ledge of the window where she leaned, ensuring that the desk was between us. We were silent for a moment, neither of us knowing quite what to say. I knew I should say something, but I couldn't find the words to start. Finally Jordan said something so quiet I had to ask her to repeat it.
"I said, why did you leave without saying anything?"
"Jordan, sweetie, I am so sorry. I was afraid to say anything more about it."
"Afraid? Why were you afraid?"
"Because I didn't want to see what I see when I look in your eyes right now. I. . .I knew it would hurt you if I said I wanted to go and. . ."
"You didn't trust me enough to tell me the truth."
"Jordan, it's not that. . ."
"Then what? Did you think I would tie you to my bed and make you stay here?"
"Well, if I knew that was going to be your reaction. . ."
"Not funny, Woody."
"I'm sorry."
"I would have told you to go."
"What?"
"Not being a martyr or anything. I know that division. I. . .well, we didn't play well together, but I know them. Owens is a good guy. I think. . ."
"You know Owens?"
"I knew him when he was on the regular force. We worked together on cases from time to time."
"Is there anyone that you. . ."
"Not that way. Give me a little credit."
"What? He's good looking ~ if you're into guys."
"Why are we discussing this? I was just going to say that Owens wouldn't have called you if he didn't think you could do the job. There are guys on the LAPD who would give their eye teeth to get on Sunset Division."
"I sort of got the impression that they're a little renegade."
"They like to think they are. But they've just got the bigger toys ~ and I guess in some ways they are. But they're damn good at what they do. And if they ask you to join them. . .well, you've got something special."
"Really?"
"You remember Hector?"
"The guy you hooked me up with out there?"
"Yeah. They turned him down. And he's one of the best. . ."
"Was that before or after the chili-cheeseburgers?"
"What?"
"Never mind."
"Oh. Ok."
"Jordan, I'm so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you. I should have trusted you and talked with you about it."
"Woody, in a way, I understand why you did it."
"You do?"
"Yeah. But let's get out of here to finish this conversation."
"Ok. But why?" I don't know why I bothered to ask. I knew the eavesdropping that went on around here. Jordan had the shade pulled so they never saw her coming. As she opened the door, Bug, Nigel, Peter and Lily came tumbling into her office. Garret, who I assume was listening at the window sheepishly poked his head around the door frame so they wouldn't take the brunt of any wrath that might be coming their way. Amazingly, Jordan just looked at them piled up on the floor and cracked up.
"When are you guys going to learn to give a girl a little privacy around here?"
"Sorry luv. It's just that. . .well, we're worried about you."
"I'm a big girl and can take care of myself." She looked at them and finally put out a hand to help Nigel off the floor. "But thanks for being concerned."
"If you need anything, Jordan."
"It's ok Lily. I've got things under control." That's just what I was afraid of. I had a feeling that this calm exterior was only up for show in front of Jordan's co-workers. You know that saying about still waters? That's Jordan. Yeah she was calm and collected now, but when we got out by ourselves. . .
"Alright. Everyone back to work. Jordan? You finished for the day?"
"Yeah. I'll see you tomorrow, ok Garret?"
"Alright. See you in the morning." She gave him a hug and whispered something that I couldn't quite make out but sounded like "Don't worry. I'm not running anywhere. You're stuck with me."
Jordan turned to me and held out her hand. "Come on, Woody. Let's get out of here."
"Alright." I took her hand and we walked towards the elevator bay. As we got in and the doors started to close, I asked her, "So where are we going?"
"Oh, I thought we'd go to this little place I know. Good beer, great music. And this nice little table in the back that's just right for intense conversations."
Great. We were going to the Pogue. Oh, she's good. Lull me into this false sense of security by talking about Owens and her time in L.A. and then take me straight to hell. But I guess I don't have a lot of room for negotiation or complaint.
Here we are. Well, maybe Max will have taken the night off.
"Hey Dad!"
"Hey sweetheart! How are. . .?" No such luck. I didn't know that Max could move that fast. Before I knew it he was right with us. "Jordan, what the hell is she doing here?"
"Dad, it's ok. He came to have the talk we should have had a few weeks ago."
"Damn right you should have talked with her. . ."
"Dad? We're going to go to the back corner table. Can we have a couple of beers?" Jordan was trying to be reassuring, but even I could tell it was a front.
"You're sure?"
"Yeah. Well, not really. But it's something I need to do." Now I understood why she brought me here. Yeah, it was partly because Max was here and she had emotional back-up. But it was also a public place where Jordan could stay somewhat under control of her emotions. At her place or somewhere private, she might not have been as strong.
"Alright baby. I'll get those beers for you. Let me know if you need anything else."
"Thanks Dad."
Jordan led me to the table in the back ~ the one I'd seen her and Max at on so many previous occasions. It was within sight of the bar, but far enough removed from the pool table and the rest of the action that it provided a measure of privacy.
"Hey, I was on my way to do something when you appeared in the hall back at the morgue. Excuse me for a second?"
"Sure Jordan. I'll be right here." I hope. My eyes followed her as she headed towards the bathroom. What the hell had I been thinking running out on her like I did? The sound of two beer bottles being put down on the table. I braced myself for what I knew was coming as I heard the chair scrape across the floor as Max pulled it out.
"You've got some nerve, Woodrow."
"Max, I. . ."
"I thought I told you to leave her alone."
"Max, I made a huge mistake. . ."
"Damn right!"
"And I just. . .I owe it to Jordan to talk with her about things."
"What good is it going to do now?"
"What do you mean?"
"You're all settled into that fancy new job and. . . Wait a minute. How'd you get vacation already?"
"I think they're calling it 'mental health time' or something like that. I guess I hadn't been much good lately."
"Really?"
"Yeah. I did a crash course in the basics I'd need to know until they could get me into the inter-state transfer training. But I couldn't really be out in the field ~ no carrying until I was certified for California."
"Oh. So you thought you'd come crawling back here?"
"No! Max, it's not like that. I did get to go out on a case, but it was too hard."
"So you're running?"
"No! It was too hard emotionally. Did Jordan tell you about the first time we went out to California?"
"In late November/early December? Yeah."
"So she told you. . .?"
"That that's where she kissed you for the first time? Yep. She told me that too. Then you left her in the desert and things just got weirder from there."
"Yeah. That they did. But if we'd been there a week later. . ."
"What?"
"The case I went out on was out there. High school homecoming queen was raped and murdered and her body was dumped about 25 yards from where we'd been."
"I see. But I fail to see what this has to do with. . ." Shouldn't Jordan be getting back from the bathroom soon?
"I got distracted. Extremely distracted. All I could think of was Jordan and our time out there and our time here and how stupid I'd been, and. . . And then they sent me back here to get things figured out."
"Alright. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. But only because Jordan actually brought you here instead of kicking your ass like I figured she would if you ever showed up."
"Well, the night is young."
"You think that's funny?"
"No sir."
"I'm going to keep an eye on things back here and if I sense the slightest bit of trouble. . . You've heard of how mother bears protect their cubs?"
"Yes, sir."
"Well, this papa bear is worse than any mother bear when it comes to protecting his child." And he stood up to move back to the bar. "Remember. I'll be watching."
I looked down just in time to see Jordan and Max cross paths. Max gave her a quick squeeze and motioned his head towards me. I hardly had to stretch my mind to figure out what he was telling her. She said something to him and gave him a reassuring hug, then turned and walked towards me. She got to the table and pulled out the chair to sit down.
"So, Woody. What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Did you have this planned?"
"What?"
"Bringing me here so that your father. . .?"
"What, he rip you a new one?"
"Almost."
"Good. You deserve it." There really wasn't anything to say in response. She was right. I did. "Why did you leave me Woody? Without talking to me?"
"Jordan, I just. . . I just. . . I'm a big chicken-shit idiot."
"No argument there."
"I know how much it took for you to trust me enough with your feelings ~ your heart ~ and I wasn't sure I could face it after I told you I wasn't going to leave you."
"So you lied. You left me anyway."
"Yeah, I guess I did. I mean, yes. You're right. I did. And I hate myself for it."
"Good." In spite of all her facade of being tough, I could see this was hard for Jordan ~ she was fighting to keep the tears in eyes that threatened to overflow at any minute. "At least one of us does."
"What?"
"At least one of us hates you. No matter how hard, I can't. I know it's totally stupid given the shit you've put me through. But I guess as long as it took for my heart to open up to you, it doesn't want to close."
"I'm not sure I. . ."
"I don't understand either. I just need to know why."
"Why I left? Or why I didn't talk with you more about it?"
"Yes."
"I left for the job. I couldn't turn down what they were offering me. And after I didn't get that promotion I just went with a first impulse, knee-jerk reaction. That's one thing we seem to have in common ~ running from the people who care about us."
"What?"
"I need to tell you about something that happened before I came here ~ one of the reasons I came here. I. . .I had to get out of Kewaunee. I couldn't face her again." And I spilled out the story about Annie, the sheriff's daughter I'd been seeing in Kewaunee. "Things were fine until we started talking about the future and I went to ask her father for his permission and blessing. But he said no daughter of his was going to marry a cop."
"So you just left?"
"I hadn't officially asked her, but about as close as you could get. All I could say was that I'd gotten this job offer in Boston and I couldn't pass it up. I knew her life was in Kewaunee and I would never ask her to leave that to follow me on what could be a wild goose chase. So yeah, I left."
"I see. Well, at least she knew you were leaving."
"Yeah. And you remember that I told you I had when I got to Boston?"
"You returned the ring?"
"Yeah."
"I remember her eyes when I left. I. . .I couldn't face yours that way. I. . .Jordan, I love you so much. I'm so sorry." I moved her still full beer bottle to the side and reached across the table to take her hands in mine, but she pulled back.
"Woody, I love you too. But I can't just jump back into a relationship. My heart doesn't shift gears that easily."
"I understand. I can't expect you to forget what I've done. I was a chicken-shit bastard and I don't deserve anything from you."
"I wouldn't go that far. Where are you staying?"
"The Hampton Inn out by Logan."
"Shit Woody, do you know how much that's going to cost you in cab fare?"
"Yeah, I hadn't planned on that. . ."
"Why don't I take you out there? We can talk on the way, and then I'll call you sometime tomorrow. You will still be here tomorrow?"
"Yeah. I've got orders to stay until I've worked things out."
"Ok. Come on farm boy. Let's get you home."
We got up and I headed towards the door as Jordan went down to the bar to talk with Max for a minute. I saw him look my way and then heard his voice above the crowd asking if she was sure she knew what she was doing. She sort of shook her head and gave him a hug. Cautiously he watched her move towards me at the door.
As we walked out, I couldn't resist asking her the same question. "Jordan, are you sure you know what you're doing?"
"No. I'm not. But I know that if I go with only what I know I might miss something."
"Ok."
We drove back to my hotel mainly in silence. As she pulled under the portico and stopped to let me out, she turned to me and said, "Get some rest. I'll see you tomorrow."
I told her good-bye and got out of the car. As I watched her pull away, I realized that we were both swimming out of our depth. But at least we seemed to be together. For now. . .
Jordan. . .
I drove back to my apartment in silence. I wasn't sure what was going on ~ why I was even considering letting Woody back into my life. Especially after the way he left and the way I was hurt. But yet there I was. He meant the world to me and there was nothing I could do about it.
I let myself into my apartment and tried to get ready for bed. But I knew it wasn't going to be a night where sleep came easily, if at all. I had too many decisions to make. I knew Woody and I needed to talk, but we needed to be somewhere we could be completely uninterrupted and undisturbed by people we knew. Where could we go?
At some point I dozed off and dreamed about that night so many years ago when Dad took me hiking after I graduated from high school. I wonder. . .
"Hello?"
"Dad?"
"Hi sweetheart. You get him all taken back to his hotel and yourself home safely?"
"Yeah. I was wondering something."
"What?"
"Is Sam still around?"
"Sam?"
"Yeah. The guy you worked with who we went hiking with that time?"
"Oh yeah. Hang on and I'll find his number for you. Ok, here it is. 555-3476."
"Thanks, Dad."
"Why do you need to talk to Sam?"
"I was just thinking about the hike we went on that time and wanted to find out how I'd go about making reservations."
"Jordan. . ."
"Dad, Woody and I need to talk about some stuff. And we need to do it where people don't know us. And out of places where we feel comfortable."
"Alright. I'm not thrilled about this, but I know you need to get some questions answered. Otherwise they'll haunt you for the rest of your life."
"What will?"
"All the 'what if's' and so forth. I think there are enough of those in your life. . . Just know that I'm here for you. . .no matter what."
"Thanks Dad."
"Now sweetheart, I don't know how he got the reservations or if you could get in or what."
"I know. But I've got to try. I'm going to call Sam now and see what I can do. I'll let you know what's going on."
"Alright. Good night sweetheart."
So I called Sam. He gave me the information and said that usually the place booked up a year in advance, but I could always call and see if there were any cancellations. As it turns out, there was a cancellation for the baby cabins that held up to 5 people for a week and a half later. I reserved it on the spot, and then called Woody.
"Hello?"
"Did I wake you?"
"Jordan? No, I was just watching TV."
"Ok."
"Um, Jordan? Was there a reason you called?"
"Oh, yeah. Sorry. How long do you have until you have to go back to LA?"
"Owens said as long as it takes, but I wouldn't think more than a couple of weeks. Why?"
"I'd like to take you hiking next Tuesday."
"What?"
"There's this place my dad took me the summer after I graduated from high school. It's in the Great Smoky Mountains. We would hike up one day, spend the night, and hike back down the other day."
"Well, I'm open to it. But why. . .?"
"I think we need to talk about a lot of things. But I don't think that Boston is the place to do it. Too many memories and too many people who know me ~ well, both of us ~ here for us to get the time and the space we need. . ."
"Ok. Jordan, I'd really like that."
"Ok. I'll get the arrangements made."
Then it occurred to me that I needed to clear my time off with Garret. I called him, hoping he wasn't already asleep. As soon as I explained things, he immediately said that that talk was definitely something that needed to happen, and he would give me whatever time I needed. Three days later, we were on our way to Gatlinburg and Mount LeConte.
We got up early the next morning, had some breakfast at the Pancake Pantry, and headed for the trail. I'd already decided that we were going up Rainbow Falls. Even if it was really tough at the top, Sam had said that the Boulevard Trail, which went up the other side of the mountain, was a lot steeper. I remembered that the Bullhead Trail, which leaves from the same parking lot as Rainbow Falls and shares the last six-tenths of a mile with Rainbow Falls was pretty much uphill all the way with no downhill breaks and very few level path breaks. So Rainbow Falls it was. Woody seemed excited about the idea of the hike ~ being in nature without a gun and his brother ~ but I could tell he was nervous at the prospect at spending all this time alone with me. Hell, I was scared at that idea too ~ well, being alone with him.
We grabbed our packs and water bottles and such out of the car, made sure it was locked, and took off up the trail. The first part of the hike we spent in silence ~ probably adjusting to the change in altitude, the activity level, and just taking in the beauty of our surroundings. We took periodic rest and water breaks, finally stopping for lunch at Rainbow Falls, which had already begun to freeze for the winter.
"Ok, Wood. I've got peanut butter and jelly, chocolate and peanut butter, strawberry cheesecake, spiced chai tea, or key lime pie flavored energy bars. Which do you want?"
"That's all we've. . . I guess peanut butter and jelly."
"Gee, don't sound so enthused. We didn't have a way to keep anything cool, so that limited what our options would be." I tossed the selected bar at him. "Trail mix?"
"Yeah, that would be good." I tossed him a bag of the trail mix Dad made up for us before we left, then we started to eat ~ once again in silence. I was beginning to think maybe this hadn't been such a great idea when I sensed Woody's eyes on me.
"Jordan?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"For fussing about the food. I love it so far ~ the food and the hike."
"Oh. No problem." So it wasn't the big talk we were going to have. Ok, I could deal with that.
We finished lunch and rested for a while to let the food settle a bit. I laid back on the rock I was using for my perch and closed my eyes. It wasn't long before I heard Woody yelp. I opened my eyes and propped myself up on my elbows to see what the problem was.
In spite of the ice that we could already see forming along the banks of the stream that formed the waterfall, he had decided to dip his feet in the water and cool them from the wool socks and hiking boots he was wearing.
"Problem Wood?"
"Jesus that's cold!"
"Well, what did you expect? There's already ice on the edges."
"I know, I just. . . Never mind."
"Ok. You about ready to get going?"
"Yeah. I just need to put my socks and boots back on."
"Ok. I'm just going to go off trail here and take care of something. . ."
"Alright."
So I found a somewhat hidden area and got ready to take care of some business ~ the one part I hated about hiking. Guys don't know how easy they have it when it comes to stuff like this! Just as I was finishing, I heard a rustling in the brush behind me. Thinking it was Woody, I called out to let him know I wasn't ready yet.
"What?" His response came from far enough away that I knew it wasn't him in the brush ~ unless he's got talents in ventriloquism that I've not seen before.
"Um. . ." I slowly turned around to see a black bear cub pawing his was through the branches. Shit! A baby bear and no mother in sight. The question I'd asked Dad and Sam so many years before ~ how do you know where the mama bear is ~ flashed through my mind. As well as their lack of an answer.
"Jordan? Is everything ok?"
"I don't think so, Wood." I heard him ~ or I hoped it was him ~ coming up the hill. "No! Wait!"
"Jordan, I won't look if you don't want me to."
"It's not that. It's. . ."
"Shit!"
"What?"
"Jordan? We've got company."
"Let me guess. A big black bear?"
"Yeah."
"Are you between her and my voice?"
"Um, I don't think so. Wait ~ how do you know it's a female? And why do we care where I am in relation to her and you?"
"Because I've got the little one standing here looking at me."
"Uh. . ."
"Woody, where is she?"
"The big one?"
"Yes!"
"She's. . ."
"Is she closer to the waterfall or farther away?"
"She's. . .um. . .she's farther away. Like she’s coming up the trail."
"Ok. I'm going to move towards the water. As long as you're not between her and my voice, try to stay with me."
"Ok. Oh shit. Why didn't I bring my gun?"
"Woody, relax. As long as we don't get between her and the cub we should be fine."
"And if we're not?"
"Don't go there. Please." I kept moving towards the water, trying to stay parallel to the trail. As I picked my way among the stones and the branches, I kept a close eye on the cub. Thankfully he didn't seem too interested in me.
"Ok Woody, how far away from her are you?"
"Um. . .probably about 50 yards."
"What's she doing?"
"She's going towards where you were, but she's keeping an eye on me."
"Ok. Is she going up the trail or up the brush?"
"I think. . .looks like she's going off-trail."
"Alright, I'm going to pick my way down towards where you are. Stay put."
"Ok."
I began climbing down the hill through the brush, trying to watch where I was stepping. It was a lot steeper at this point than where I'd gone up. As I got closer to the rocks, I had to worry about ice as well. I saw one big patch to my right and was so intent on avoiding it, that I didn't see the tiny patch on the rock my left foot was about to hit. As I shifted my weight to that foot, I felt it slide out from under me and screamed. Thankfully my pack took most of the force and kept my head from hitting the rock. And thankfully the rock was relatively smooth.
"Jordan!" Woody saw what was happening and ran towards the base of the rock that was my slide. He stood directly in front of it to break my fall, and we both ended up in the dirt of the trail. "Jordan? Are you ok?"
"I think so. A little shaken, but I don't think anything's broken. You?"
"No, I'm fine." He got to his feet and helped me to a sitting position. "Let's just take it slow to make sure."
"Thanks Woody." Slowly I stood and tested my legs. They were shaky ~ understandable given what I'd just been through ~ but everything seemed to be in working order. I saw that he had had the presence of mind to bring his pack along with him so we didn't have to go back and risk the mother bear again. "Ok, I think I'll pass inspection. Come on, let's go."
"Ok." As I took a couple of tentative steps, sensed that Woody was walking more with me than he had before. I looked up at him and found what looked like tears in his eyes. Tears he was trying to blink back, but tears all the same.
"Wood? What's. . ."
"Jordan, do you realize what could have happened back there?"
"With the bears? Yeah. But thankfully Mama wasn't far behind so we could avoid getting between her and Junior."
"Well, there's that. But I mean on the rock."
"My slide?"
"Jordan, you could have been really hurt. Or killed."
"But I wasn't. I'm fine. It's ok."
"No it's not. If I hadn't taken my boots and socks off. . ."
"I probably still would have been sleeping when they came along. If you hadn't woken me up, it could have been a lot worse."
"Really?"
"Really. Imagine if they'd come along and I'd been laying there."
"I don't want to think about it. Or what happened on the rock."
"Why? You afraid Dad would put out a contract on you?"
"No, I. . . Jordan, I don't want to lose you. I guess it took almost losing you to make me really realize that. . .that. . . I love you Jordan." He reached out and pulled my into a tight hug. I didn't exactly relax into it, but I didn't exactly tens up either. As much as I wanted to believe him, we had, for all intents and purposes, just had a near-death experience, and I couldn't be sure what was coming from his heart and what was coming from his adrenaline. What can I say? I'm screwed up about relationships!
"I care about you too, Woody. . ."
"No. Jordan, I love you. Look at me. I love you. I was a jerk for leaving like I did. A stupid, idiotic jerk. I never should have taken that job in the first place, but if I was going to, I should have told you in person. I. . . Maybe it took something like what just happened for me to finally say this, but that doesn't make it any less true. There's something you don't know about me."
"What's that?" After looking around and establishing that the bears had moved on, Woody motioned to a rock that was flat enough to sit on and large enough to hold both of us.
"Before I moved here, I'd been involved with someone in Kewaunee. Someone named Annie. She was the prom queen. . ."
"The one who stood you up?"
"No, no. Annie lived down the road from me, but she wasn't my prom date. I'd played baseball with her brother. Her father was the sheriff. We. . .we started seeing each other while I was in training. Things started getting serious, and I went to talk with her father one day."
"About a job?"
"No. I was already working for him. I'd just gotten promoted to detective and decided the timing was right to settle down."
"Oh. You went to ask for her hand?"
"Yeah."
"So. . .?"
"He said that no daughter of his was ever going to marry a cop."
"Sounds familiar. But ~ I'm sorry, go on. What happened."
"I came to Boston."
"What?"
"I tried to tell her what he'd said. He was my boss, I couldn't contradict him. She felt like I should stand up to him. I couldn't. Or maybe I didn't want to. I don't know."
"Didn't want to?"
"Looking at things now, I think I was feeling pressure to settle down. I was 27. Most of the people we'd graduated high school with were already married and most had a kid or one on the way. And I know it's what Annie wanted."
"But was it what you wanted?"
"Marriage? Yeah. I wanted that ~ still do eventually. But with the right person. And I've figured out that Annie's not it."
"So. . .did you tell her you were leaving or send a note?"
"I told her. I think she thought I was going to come back or send for her or something. But. . . Jordan?"
I'd turned my head away from him when he said he told her he was leaving. I must rank real high if I only warranted a note. As Woody said my name, he reached out and took my chin in his hands to turn my face towards his own until our eyes met. As much as I wanted to look away, to keep the tears I felt just behind my eyes from slipping out, I couldn't break myself from his gaze.
"Jordan, what? What's wrong?"
"I just. . . Why did you. . .?"
"Why did I tell her and send you a note?"
"Yeah." I was embarrassed to admit it, but he already knew.
"Until just now, I'm not even sure I could have answered that. But all this made me realize that it was easier to leave her ~ to tell her about my going away ~ because she didn't mean what you do to me. Jordan, in spite of everything you've done to warn me off ~ the pushing me away, the keeping stuff hidden from me, the putting up walls again ~ in spite of all that, you've become my world. And yeah, I know ~ if that's the case why did I leave? I don't know. I was stupid and an ass and until I thought I almost lost you for good back there, I didn't realize how deep my feelings ran. I'm sorry, Jordan. I never meant to hurt you."
"Woody, it's not. . . I suck at relationships. I didn't really have good role models growing up. Dad was fine, but Mom. . .let's just say I've learned and remembered some things that don't put her in the best light. And then she was gone. And Dad didn't go out with anyone for years, so all I need to know about sex and love I learned from my friends. I don't trust easily. I put up this hard shell, but the bottom line is that relationships that go deeper than sex scare the hell out of me. Love is a scary thing for me. If you love, you get hurt. And. . ."
"Jordan, I can't offer any guarantees. No one can. Things are uncertain and sometimes random. If you hadn't been wearing your backpack or if you'd fallen another way, we might not be having this conversation right now. But I can promise that I'm not going to run out on you again. I've learned my lesson. I know there's history with your mother. I know that. And I'm willing to help you ~ to be with you as you go through that. Maybe we took things too fast before, I don't know. . ."
"Woody?" I pressed my finger to his lips to silence him, not quite daring to try it with a kiss. "I know I've got problems, but with you, for the first time things feel less random. I'm still terrified of letting my guard down, but if you're willing to be patient with me, I'm willing to try."
"That's all I ask Jordan. That's all I ask." And this time, he was the one who leaned in and kissed me. Slow, deep but not too deep, and yet it told me everything I needed to know for that moment. Reluctantly I pulled away.
"You know, if we're going to make it up there before dinner and darkness, we really should get moving."
"You're probably right." We stood up and began walking. Woody took my hand in his, but we soon figured out that walking hand in hand is one thing ~ hiking hand in hand is another. The trail didn't seem quite as bad as I remember, but it was still tough.
We got to the top and got checked in, then headed for dinner. As an added bonus, the llamas they used to pack food and laundry up to the mountain top were there for an overnight stop, so we were allowed to go and pet them. We opted not to climb the extra bit to see the sunset, grabbing some more hot chocolate and sitting on the porch of the dining room, just being with each other.
When we went back to our little cabin, we lit the kerosene lanterns and made sure the propane heater was going, changed into sweats and t-shirts for sleeping, and curled up on the bed to talk. I told Woody more about my life than I've probably told any other individual ~ about finding the Yankees cap on the table and knowing Mom wasn't with Dad; about the day Mom was murdered and the aftermath of that; about my first time and all the feelings that came from that ~ especially with Linda's disappearance from the same park at the same time; about my time in the CT residency and the overdose and going to work at the morgue; about the affair I'd had that resulted in me running away and set in motion the things that eventually led to my being fired from Boston the first time. I'm not going to lie and say it was easy ~ I was scared to death, but I just knew that for once I needed to be totally honest with the person I was going to be involved with ~ more involved than I ever had in my life, scary as that idea was. And Woody just listened, sometimes offering gentle words of encouragement, usually rubbing my back as I talked, but never judging me or telling me I was stupid. For the first time in quite a while, I felt safe. Falling in love was still scary, but with Woody it seemed less so.
At some point while I was talking, we'd moved under the four wool blankets and sheet that covered the bed and just snuggled there. There was no need for anything else. As I finished my stories ~ at least for the night ~ I looked up at Woody, deep into his eyes. "Thanks Woody. Thank you."
"For what Jordan?"
"For giving me the space and the security to talk about all that. It felt good."
"It's my pleasure Jordan." He leaned his face down and began to kiss me, but there was still more I needed to say, so I pulled back as he looked at me quizzically.
"Woody? I love you. I just needed to say that."
Woody just looked at me and chuckled, "I sort of figured that out a few hours ago, but it's nice to hear. I love you too Jordan." And this time I let myself fall into his kiss.
We fell asleep in each other's arms and woke the next morning, still curled together, as the sun began to stream through our window. It felt good, safe, like home ~ not the cabin I mean. . .being with Woody. I reached up to kiss him, and told him just that.
"Jordan, I promise I will do everything in my power to make sure you keep feeling that way. I love you baby."
"I love you too."
We had breakfast and packed up to head down the mountain. Hearing that more bears had been sighted on the Rainbow Falls trail but none on the Bullhead, we made our choice quite easily. We spent a lot of time in silence on the way down, but it was a different silence ~ a safe silence ~ the silence two people who are in love can share without it being uncomfortable.
We spent one more night in Gatlinburg, both of us sharing even more about our lives, and boarded the plane back to Boston, not quite knowing what we were going to find there, but knowing that together we could do it.
The flight back to Boston was nice. For the first time, we just talked with each other about ourselves, about life, about all kinds of things non-work related. But as the flight attendant announced the beginnings of our landing approach, I realized that there were a few things that still needed to be addressed.
"So, um, Woody?"
"Yeah?"
"What are you going to do?"
"You mean about the job?"
"Yeah."
"I guess before I do anything like call Owens and resign, I'd better make sure that I can get a job in Boston, huh?"
"Probably a good idea. So you're staying?"
"If you'll have me I am. Well, and the minor detail of a job."
"True."
"And I guess I can. . . Oh crap."
"What?"
"The whole finding an apartment thing again. I let go of the lease on my old place. I'm sure it's been rented by now. And I don't know. . ."
"Woody? If you want, you can stay at my place."
"Really?"
"Yeah, I've progressed in the furniture department you know. I've got a couch AND a futon!"
"Are you sure?"
"At least until you find a place of your own. Or whatever. All I need to do is add you to the lease."
"Ok. If you're sure. I don't want to be a problem."
"Like I'm not farm boy? And you still put up with me."
"I love you, Jordan."
"I love you too, Woody."
The flight landed and we collected our things. We caught a taxi to my place to drop our stuff off and then I drove Woody over to the Police Department. I waited in the hallway while he was talking with the personnel people. It seemed to be taking forever and to try and calm my nerves, I decided to close my eyes and try to relax. I had just leaned my head back and closed my eyes when I heard the door open. I opened my eyes and saw Eddie Winslow standing across the hall.
"Jordan Cavanaugh, what have you done now?"
"Hi Eddie. Actually for once in my life, nothing. I'm waiting for a friend."
"Really?" He motioned towards the empty seat next to me and I nodded my ok for him to sit down.
"Yeah. Woody's in there trying to see if he can get his old job back, or any job I guess. But it's taking forever so I'm getting worried. You didn't see him in there?"
"Hoyt? Yeah, I saw him, but I thought he had some fancy job in California. Figured there was some paperwork that he needed to take care of."
"There were, um, some complications."
"Did he mess. . . Oh my God."
"What?"
"I had no clue the two of you were involved."
"Eddie, it's complicated."
"What isn't with you?"
"Gee, thanks."
"I'm kidding Jordan. Really I am. He's a good
guy and you deserve someone nice."
"You think so?"
"Yeah. And since I know there's way too much water under the bridge for me to have any kind of a chance with you, maybe my new partner should have a shot."
"Your new. . .?" Woody stepped out of the office with a big smile on his face. "Woody's your new partner? You jerk!" I punched Eddie on the arm playfully and he grinned at me.
"Yeah, well I needed someone since my most recent one transferred to Amherst so he could be closer to his kid while she was in school. And Hoyt here needed a job so that he could stay close to 'someone in the area,' so it all worked out."
"Great. Woody, you ready?"
"Yeah. Where are we going?"
"The Pogue? I ought to check in with Dad and after everything I could use a drink."
"Sounds good. So I'll see you in a couple of days Winslow?"
"Count on it Hoyt. Bye Jordan."
On the way to the Pogue, Woody asked me about how I knew Eddie, and I told him. He looked really nervous at first, especially as I told him about how Eddie helped IAD out when Dad resigned. But I told him we'd worked through a lot of that and I'd come to the conclusion that if Dad could forgive him and move on, I could try and do the same.
As we opened the door to the Pogue, a shout of welcome from all my co-workers greeted us.
"How did you guys know we were back?"
"Oh, a little detective at the police station called." Eddie stepped sheepishly out from behind Nigel.
"It's great to be home." I ran over and gave Garret a big hug. "Thanks for. . .everything."
"You're welcome Jordan. It's good to see you smile again. Now you'd better go and see Max."
"Oh yeah." I looked around for him and saw him step out of the back room where he'd been taking care of something business related. He hadn't spotted me yet, so I ran over and jumped on his back like I remember doing when I was little. "Hi Daddy!"
"Jordan! When did you get in?"
"Oh, about 2:30. We had some stuff to do before we got here."
"We?" He looked at me quizzically. Woody had picked his way over to where we were standing. "Hoyt. I assume things are alright with you two?"
"Yes sir. At least I think they are." He looked at me and I reached out to take his hand as I nodded. "Say Max, I just realized that I need to make a phone call. I've got a calling card, could I use the phone in the back room? I just. . .I need to resign from a job."
"You. . .? Yeah, sure. It's right over there."
"Thanks, Mr. Cavanaugh."
"Hoyt?" Dad's voice sounded gruff and I saw Woody wince as he turned around.
"Yeah?"
"Don't bother with the calling card. And you can call me Max."
"Yes, sir. Thank you. . .Max."
I looked up at Dad, perplexed by his sudden about face. This was the same man who was ready to jump on a plane and tear him limb from limb when I got the letter?
"What? If whatever he's done can make you smile like you are right now, I can't hold a grudge."
"Thanks Dad." I threw my arms around him and we held each other tight for a minute.
"Does he still have his apartment?"
"Um, not exactly. But he's going to look for one."
"Please don't tell me where he's staying until then. There are certain things about your life I don't need to know about."
"Yeah, let's just keep it that way." I reached up to hug him again and he scooped me up so my feet were off the floor.
"I love you baby. I just want you to be happy," he whispered in my ear. When Woody came back, Dad released me so my feet hit the floor.
"That's all taken care of."
"Were they mad?"
"Owens sounded disappointed, but at the same time he said he figured something like this would happen when he put me on the plane back out here. He said I sounded happier than I had the whole time he'd known me in California and this had to be the right thing."
"So you start work on Monday?"
"Yep."
"They still had your job at the precinct Woodrow?" Dad knew how things worked at Police Plaza.
"As it turns out, an opening became available just yesterday." Eddie had migrated to where we were standing.
"He's going to be working with you?"
"Yes, sir." Uh oh. Woody was looking nervous again.
"You'll be ok Hoyt. Winslow's a good cop ~ a good partner." Dad shook Eddie's hand, patted Woody on the back, and went over to fill some drink orders. Woody and Eddie and I went to join Bug and Lily, Nigel, and Garret. I asked where Peter was, especially since he seemed to be starting to fit in well. Nigel motioned his head towards the stage where I saw Peter setting up the very thing I begged Dad to get rid of. That damn karaoke machine.
"Oh God. No!"
"Oh come on Jordan, it'll be fun." Nige looked at me, amused. "Or do you only deign to sing with bands?"
"I just. . ." But it was too late, Peter had started off with a bad ~ even for karaoke ~ version of "Sweet Caroline." "I think I'm going to be sick."
"Oh come on Jordan. Relax and loosen up." Garret was smiling at me. "You never know. The perfect song for you just might come along."
I tried to relax and enjoy myself. Peter was handling the DJ duties and Nigel was serving as emcee. Actually some people weren't that bad. I did manage to keep Dad away from the mic so that things stayed pretty much up-tempo. I also managed to keep myself away from the mic. As much as I hated to admit it, I guess singing with bands had spoiled me, and the thought of singing to a machine made me slightly queasy. But then. . .
"Jordan, come on. You have to sing something." Nigel was pulling at me and the rest of my friends were egging him on.
"Fine. I'll look through the book, but no promises." I thumbed through the notebook of the available songs, not really expecting to find anything other than frivolous fluff. But as I turned a page, I saw exactly what I was looking for. "Ok. I guess I'll do this one." I handed Nigel the book so that he and Peter could get the right thing cued up.
"You're sure luv?"
"Yeah. I'm sure." I took a deep breath as the music started. The words fit perfectly ~ as long as Woody was paying attention.
Wild Angels
Performed by: Martina McBride
By: Matraca Berg, Gary Harrison and Harry Stinson
"Between the perfect world and the bottom line
keeping love alive in these troubled times
it's a miracle in itself
and we know to well what that's about
still we made it thru somehow
we must have had a little help - must've been
Wild Angels, Wild Angels
watchin' over you and me
Wild Angels, Wild Angels
baby what else could it be
Well it must've been hard, it must've been tough
keeping up with crazy fools like us
'cause it's so easy to fall apart
and we still break each other's heart sometimes
spend some nights on the jagged side
somehow we wake up in each others arms - must've been
Wild Angels, Wild Angels
watchin' over you and me
Wild Angels, Wild Angels
baby what else could it be
There are some nights
I watch you while you dream
I swear I hear the sound of beating wings
Must've been
Wild Angels, Wild Angels
watchin' over you and me
Wild Angels, Wild Angels
baby what else could it be"
I kept my eyes on Woody the whole time. He got it. I could tell by the tears I saw welling up in his eyes. When I finished singing, my friends were all cheering, and those cheers got even louder when I reached up and kissed Woody.
We hung out for a while longer, but soon I decided that after all the hiking and emotional exertion of the past few days, I was tired and ready to go, so we said our good-byes and headed for the door. As we got to the car, Woody pulled me into a tight hug. As he buried his face in my hair, I heard him say something, but I couldn't quite make out what.
"What? I couldn't understand you." He pulled back, placed his hands on either side of my face, and looked deep into my eyes.
"I hope they never stop watching over us, Jordan."
"Me too, Woody. Let's go home."
Finito!
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