Home: A Parody
Don't even ask where this came from. The idea first occurred to me sometime last season, I think right around the time that Lily made Bug sing the coroner song, which was around October 2002. Then I was working on "How Do You Heal A Broken Heart?" and started bouncing silliness off a couple of IM buddies who also write fanfic for CJ (thanks jmkw and madambeth and thenewmoo!!) and things went from silly to absurd. But it seemed like a cute idea so I went there. And then the finale gave me the perfect opportunity to send Jordan into an altered state of consciousness (much better than falling in blood that Peter had accidentally spilled). . .
Have fun!!
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Still pretty out of it from her scotch/methylhexital combination, Jordan Cavanaugh lay curled on the futon in her apartment. When she and Malden had gotten there, James grabbed her and put her on the futon in the other section trying to keep her safe. James and Malden were struggling when they were distracted by the sound of Max entering the apartment. A gun went off twice and Malden fell to the floor. The gun fell to the floor as James ran out the door towards the fire escape. Max walked over to where Malden's body lay. He knew he shouldn't pick up the gun, but. . . At that point, he heard Woody outside the door, then Woody was in the apartment, gun drawn, facing Max who was once again standing over a dead body holding a gun. So engaged were they in their stand-off neither of them saw Jordan on the futon at first.
"Max, put the gun down."
It was a tense moment. Finally Max spoke.
"Woody, I know how this looks. But I did not shoot him."
"Then who?"
"James. When I came in they were struggling."
"James and Malden?"
"Yes. The gun went off, Malden fell to the ground, and James took off."
"Ok. We'll figure something out. But where's Jordan?"
"What?"
"She'd been in Malden's office. She wasn't there. And she's not in his car parked out front."
"Then where is she?"
They looked around the apartment, and then Woody spotted her.
"There she is. On the futon."
"What? I don't. . . Oh God. What did he do to her?"
"Let me see. Stay put."
"Like hell. That's my daughter."
Woody got to Jordan's side first and checked for a pulse, then checked for any obvious injuries. Finding none, he recalled the glass in Malden's office. "Max, I think she's ok. But I think Malden gave her something. Let's get her in the car and go to the hospital. I'll try to call Nigel from the car."
Woody dialed his cell phone and soon was speaking with Nigel. Nigel agreed to run over to headquarters, get the glass, and run tests on it. They just had to hope that it was still there. Woody drove while Max sat helplessly beside Jordan. They couldn't tell them anything about what she'd had besides scotch ~ and Woody knew something else was in there.
They got to the hospital and got Jordan into an examination room. About the time the doctor got there, Woody's cell phone rang.
"Detective, you're going to have to take that outside."
"I'll turn it off in a minute. I think this can tell us what's wrong with her. Nigel?"
"It's methylhexital. The glass was gone, but there's a small bottle of it here. Looks like he probably coated the glass with about 40 milligrams. She'll probably come out of it alright, but. . ."
"We're already at the hospital. Thank you Nigel." Woody turned to the doctor and told him what he'd learned from Nigel. Only then did it occur to Woody that he should call headquarters and let them know there was a body at Jordan's apartment. He'd figure out some kind of explanation by the time they needed it. He stepped outside and made the call, but instantly returned to Jordan's side. Right now, he needed to be with her.
In the exam room, the doctor reached the same conclusion as Nigel had, that in all likelihood Jordan would be fine, but he found a bed for her for observation overnight. Woody and Max settled into chairs in her room to keep an eye on her. They agreed to alternate keeping watch ~ Jordan didn't need to hear them fighting on top of everything else.
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meanwhile. . .
Jordan. . .
What the? My head is killing me. Wait ~ this isn't my apartment. Or anywhere else I know of. The colors are way too bright. Maybe I should figure out where I am before I do anything else. . .
"Bark!"
"What the. . .?"
"Bark! Bark!"
"Bug? What are you doing dressed like a dog?"
"Hey, it's not MY drug and alcohol induced altered state of consciousness. You think I like being dressed up like this?"
"Oh. Sorry. Wait a minute. Your outfit does look a little familiar. Wait ~ don't tell me. You're Toto?"
"I suppose that's right."
"And that makes me. . ."
"I'm going to take a wild guess here and say Dorothy."
"Right. So if we step outside we're going to find. . . How the hell did we get here? In one of the storage lockers?"
"Hey, it's your. . ."
"I know, I know. It's my altered state of consciousness."
"As long as we've got that straight."
"Oh look. Of course there are feet sticking out from under there. Feet wearing red Converse high tops."
"Bark!"
"Lovely, munchkins. Little tiny cop munchkins."
"Bark! Bark!"
"Bug ~ um, Toto ~ hush!!"
"Ma'am, I'm. . ."
"Dr. Stiles? What are you doing here?"
"Don't ask me. It's. . ."
"I know, I know. My altered state of consciousness. One of these times I'm not even going to ask."
"Anyway, here I'm the munchkin coroner. Pleased to make your acquaintance."
"Thank you. I think."
"You've saved us from the Irish mobster-turning-informant-but-no-one-knows, Melanie Cahill."
"Melanie Cahill?"
"Yes ma'am. Kevin Cahill's daughter."
"Oh." That clears A LOT up.
"We're ever so grateful. The wicked D.A. of Boston has been making life into an inconceivable hell for us."
"Bark! Bark!"
"What Toto?"
"Can't you call me Bug?"
"Oh, ok. What Bug?"
"He's not going to sing the song."
"The song?"
"The SONG. It must be sung."
Overhearing their whispered conversation, Stiles said, "the little dog is right. The coroner's song must be sung. But alas my singing voice has long since expired."
"Oh, could you let him do it? I think you'll be quite surprised."
"Very well."
"You've examined her?"
"Yes, but please feel free to give a cursory sniff if you'd like."
Bug did just that, then stood. . .
"As coroner I vouch for her; I thoroughly examined her; and she's not only merely dead, she's really most sincerely dead."
"Bravo Bug. Way to go."
"Again, we thank you most sincerely for. . ."
In a poof of smoke, District Attorney Renee Wolcott appeared in all black, her face a strange shade of green.
"Who's responsible for getting my informant killed? Well, isn't anyone going to tell me?" She whirled and spotted Jordan. "I might have known you'd have something to do with this."
"But Renee. . ."
"It's Ms. Wolcott to you. And isn't this nice ~ no Garret or Woody around to protect you."
But no one had noticed the small, bell filled light coming closer and closer.
"Now just a minute Ms. Wolcott. What exactly has Jordan done to deserve this hatred?"
"Should I give the long list or the short one?"
"Wait a minute. I don't need you helping me Lily. Don't you think you've done enough damage already?"
"But Jordan, I was only trying to help. Maybe I can prove that in this altered state of consciousness you're in."
"Oh. Alright. Whatever."
"Now, as I was. . ."
"Not so fast! I'm the D.A. here and I say that she's going with me for questioning."
"Not quite yet." And Lily the good witch waved her wand. In an instant, Jordan looked down at her feet and saw the red Converse high tops replace her black shoes.
"What on earth. . .?"
"Oh Jordan, didn't you ever watch "The Wizard of Oz" growing up?"
"I'm beginning to think one too many times."
"No! You can't put those shoes on her!"
"What exactly do these shoes do, Lily?"
"She knows that whoever wears them cannot be picked up by the police while in the land and territory of Morgue. They're a signal that you're immune from prosecution."
"Cool! But wait. This is my altered blah, blah, blah. Can't we make them Jimmy Choo boots with stiletto heels?"
"Not very practical for walking Jordan." But realizing that she really didn't have a lot of room for criticizing after she'd broken Jordan's confidence, she waved her wand. "Very well. Here you go!"
And suddenly Jordan was in knee-high, stiletto-heeled boots. "Awesome dude!"
"No you don't. Give them to me!"
Bug jumped at and nipped Wolcott's ankle while Jordan delivered a fast roundhouse kick to the side of her head.
"Wait a minute! That's not in the movie! I'm supposed to reach for them and get shocked."
"I don't believe in the death penalty."
"At all? Jordan, that's something I never knew about you."
"I just figured it out."
"Now, Ms. Wolcott! Be gone. Jordan and Bug have a long journey ahead of them."
"Fine. But I'll be waiting for my opportunity! You'd better keep your wits about you Jordan Cavanaugh." And with a poof she was gone.
Jordan and Bug turned to Lily.
"Thank you for helping us out there, but I really don't think that I'll need. . ."
"Now Jordan. She was only doing what she thought was best."
"I suppose. But do we have to drag you along too?"
"No. This is a journey you must make on your own. Well, with Bug and whoever turns out to be the rest of the characters that is. But I'll be watching over you and I'll try to help you out when you need me."
"Oh. Ok. Where exactly are we going?"
"You must go to see the Computer Wizard of the Morgue. In Crypt City."
"Gee, I wonder who that is."
"He can help you get home."
"I'm sure. Alright, come on Bug. Let's go."
"Bark! Bark!"
"If I'm going to call you Bug, you can talk. It is my. . ."
"Alright. I know. How are we going to find this computer genius?"
As Lily was beginning to float away, she called out, "It's easy. Just follow the luminol-lit path."
"Great. Come on Bug. I'm NOT singing."
So Jordan and Bug started down the luminol-lit path. . .
Jordan and Bug felt like they were making good progress down the luminol-lit path. Every once in a while, Bug would start trying to sing "Follow the Luminol-lit Path" and Jordan would shoot him a look.
"It's my altered state of consciousness and I don't want you singing!"
"But this is a musical! Jordan, how can you have a musical without music?"
"You're not singing"
"Oh, alright. I'll just prance along here beside you."
"There's a good doggie."
"Jordan, don't make me bite you. Although a canine mouth is said to be much more hygienic than a human's. Ok I'll shut up...." Bug saw the look Jordan was shooting him.
They continued in silence until they came to a fork in the road. They looked around, fully expecting to find the Scarecrow. It didn't take long.
"Hey Peter! What are you doing up on that pole?" Jordan rolled her eyes at the sight of Peter stuck on the pole. Bug just sat obediently at her feet, amazingly silent as Jordan and Peter talked.
"For some reason you made me the scarecrow in this silly dream of yours."
"Excuse me, it's an altered state of consciousness and I did not choose this, Peter."
"Touche. You gonna help me down or not?"
"You gonna tell me which way to go?"
"Yeah. That way." Peter pointed towards the right side of the fork. "I'm not going to mess with head games. And by the way smokin' boots! Jimmy Choo's?"
"Why yes. I talked Glenda ~ Lily ~ into changing them."
"Sweet!"
"So I have to bend a nail or something right?"
"Actually, it's a scalpel."
"Great. Let's go."
Bug finally decided to open his mouth. "Hey Peter. You're supposed to fall down with wobbly legs and all."
"Hey, this is my. . ." Jordan sensed some control slipping away and was determined to get it back.
"Dude, I have to agree with her this time. I look foolish enough."
Jordan helped Peter down off the pole and the three of them took off down the luminol-lit path. As they went, Jordan began to look perplexed.
"Peter? Any clue why I'd make you the one who needs a brain in this ASC thing of mine?"
"ASC?"
"Altered state of consciousness. I decided I'm sick of saying it all the time."
"Oh, gotcha.... To answer your question, I think it's just that you only had one part left. You know the new guy always gets the crappy jobs and besides the costume fit anyway."
Jordan didn't look totally convinced, but she finally nodded. "Well, I guess we'd better go."
The path continued and the three trooped along.
"Hey could you guys slow down? My feet are killing me." Jordan was limping along the path.
"You should have stuck with the Chuck Taylor's Jordan." Bug was trying to hide his glee at having been right.
"Bug, shut up. At least I'm fashionable."
"Damn right!" Peter was looking admiringly at her boots.
"Wait a minute. You know fashion designers?"
"Jordan, don't go there? Please?" Peter did not like the direction this conversation was taking.
"Oh, ok. I'll resist. Your secret's safe with me."
Soon, they came to a clearing where a small cabin stood in a grove of apple trees.
"Hey, I'm starved. Is to much to ask to stop for a. . .?"
"No," Peter said. "The trees. . . Robbery. . . Not smart Jordan."
"Jordan, you know who we're going to find here don't you?" Bug looked a little nervous.
"I think so. . . Calm down. We're not to the Lion yet."
"No, I know that. This is the Tin Man's cabin."
"Yeah, Tin Man. The one who has no heart. . . Well, I'm Dorothy and we all know who Renee is. I guess there's only one way to find out. . ."
"And she thinks I need a brain." Peter rolled his eyes at Bug who wagged his tail in agreement.
Jordan started around the cabin only to be stopped by Peter's hand on her shoulder.
"Wait a minute, Jordan. Maybe there's something more to me being Scarecrow than we'd thought."
"Huh?"
"Well, ever since I've come into the morgue, I've had to prove myself ~ that I didn't buy my degree and that there's a brain underneath this devastatingly handsome exterior."
"Oh, please," Bug snorted.
"I'm trying to say maybe things are slightly altered and it's not exactly following the script of the movie. Just think for a minute. . . Your ASC, your casting."
"Point taken, But whoever the Tin Man is, it still must have something to do with his heart? Right?"
"Right."
"Jordan you sure you want to turn this corner? Maybe we can back track and take the last left and reroute over the Longfellow Bridge. . ." Bug was trying anything he could think of to get them away from there.
"I'm too curious now Bug. . ."
The three walked around the cabin.
"If Peter has a brain already...We're looking for someone who has....oh no."
Sure enough, there was Woody, rusted and holding an axe.
"Great. Just great!" Jordan stomped around looking for the oil can.
Peter, who was a little new to the office and still not sure of too much about Jordan looked at Bug for some explanation for this reaction.
"He's been chasing her since he started in Boston in January 2002. Completely wears his heart on his sleeve. And she won't admit it, but we're all pretty sure she likes him too."
"Really?" Peter knew he had some information that could come in handy in the future. If necessary, of course. Only if necessary.
"Where's that damn oil can?" Jordan was growing more frustrated by the second. "Oh, here it is. Finally!" She bent down and picked it up, then picked her way through the underbrush over to where Woody stood, all rusted up. As she applied the oil to his joints, Woody slowly came to life.
"Good God my arm's sore. Why on earth. . .? Wait a minute. What am I doing here in an apple glade, holding an axe, and dressed like. . .? Jordan!"
"What?"
"Did you have something to do with this?"
"Um, sort of? It's my methylhexital-induced ASC."
"ASC?"
"Altered state of consciousness." Peter and Bug answered in unison.
"Great. So Bug, you're Toto?"
"Unfortunately yes, though we haven't yet figured that one out. Perhaps I was the only uncast one in this mess."
"And you're Scarecrow, Peter?"
"Yeah. We figure it's because I've had to prove I've got a brain and didn't buy my way through school."
"So if I'm Tin Man. . .? But I've got a heart."
"Yeah, but you wear it on your sleeve!" Jordan had taken the opportunity to sit down and rest her feet. Maybe she should have stuck with the Chuck Taylor's. She went for the zipper when Bug stopped her.
"Wait! You remember what Lily ~ I mean Glenda said? You have to keep them on! The Wicked Witch of the West can convict you if she catches you with them off. And," he lowered his voice, "some of these trees are her spies, remember?"
"Oh yeah! Thanks Bug." They all breathed a sigh of relief. That had been too close!
"So the Wicked Witch of the West is Walcott?" Woody was beginning to figure things out.
"Yeah. Fits, huh?" Jordan choked back her laughter.
"Hey Jordan, aren't you supposed to have ruby slippers?" Woody was still having issues with being a character so associated with needing ~ or having ~ a heart.
"Well, it was red Converse Chuck Taylor All-Stars at first but I asked Lily if we could change them to Jimmy Choo stiletto boots."
"And she's been regretting it all the way."
"No, man. I've been regretting that my feet hurt, not that I opted for fashion."
"Jordan, I had no idea." Her three male traveling companions rolled their eyes.
"Ok. Are we ready to go?" Jordan decided that it would be better for her feet if she kept going. "Everybody got everything?"
Woody threw the axe into a piece of wood, put the oil can in Jordan's bag, and the trio started down the road. Before long they saw the dark woods approaching.
"Ok, can we skip the whole 'lions and tigers and bears, oh my' thing?" Jordan begged and Peter and Woody seemed all too ready to go along. But Bug blocked their way.
"No! You're not letting me sing, so we're going to do this."
"Fine." The others replied with a sigh of resignation. Grudgingly they linked arms and began to skip down the path.
"Lions and tigers and bears, oh my! Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!"
Suddenly Jordan stopped. "Guys? I know without a doubt who this is going to be."
"Well, you've got a 50-50 shot from what I can tell. We know we're going to see the Computer Wizard of Morgue ~ that's gotta be Nigel. The only two left are Garret and. . ." Ever the detective, Woody was trying to figure things out based on who he knew Jordan knew in Boston.
"Dad? Um, I mean Lion? You can come out now. We won't hurt you." Jordan wandered a little further down the luminol-lit path and was calling out, looking from side to side. Soon, Max jumped out at her.
"Come on and join the party, Dad. The gang's all here. Well, almost." Holding his tail and looking nervously around, Max followed Jordan to where the rest of the group stood. "Everyone, I think you know my. . .this, um, Lion."
"Hi Max!" They said together.
"I feel like I'm at one of my meetings!" Peter was muttering under his breath.
"I don't think I know you." Max was looking at Peter.
"Oh, sorry Dad. This is Peter Winslow. He's sort of new at the morgue."
"Winslow? Any relation to Eddie?"
"I never thought of that! Peter, do you have any relatives in Boston? An Eddie Winslow, perhaps?"
"Not that I know of." Peter scratched his head.
Jordan started introductions with their new characters. "Ok. So anyway, Bug's Toto ~ we're not sure why. Peter' Scarecrow. . ."
"Because they all thought I bought my way through school and don't have much of a brain."
"Sorry bout that." Jordan did look genuinely sorry. Peter squeezed her hand as if to say it was alright. "Woody here is Tin Man because. . ."
"No explanation needed, Jordan. I figured that one out on my own." Max was looking at her. "Needs armor for his heart. So the roles are all slightly altered from the movie. Except mine."
"What?"
"I lack courage, especially when it comes to telling you the truth. Maybe. . ."
"Dad? It's ok. I understand. So you want to come to Crypt City with us? We're going to see the computer wizard. . ." Jordan held out her hand. After a beat, Max reached out and took it. Jordan smiled at him. "Alright everyone, let's go! On to Crypt City!"
After a few minutes, Max fell back alongside Bug and they quietly began singing "Follow the Luminol-Lit Path." The trio in front looked back and rolled their eyes in unison. When they turned back towards the path, they saw a gleaming stainless-steel city in front of them.
"Look!" Jordan yelled, pointing her finger in the city's direction. "It's the Crypt City! All we have to do is cross this field of poppies! We're almost there! This stupid ASC is almost over!"
Meanwhile, the Wicked D.A. ~ um, I mean Witch of the West was monitoring Jordan and the gang's progress via the security cameras she had strategically placed throughout the Land of Morgue.
"Damn it! They're almost to Crypt City. I have to find some way to stop them." She stroked her pointy green chin. "I wonder. . . No, poppies would never work. They've seen the movie."
She looked over at her head winged-monkey who was trying to escape through the window.
"Winged-monkey Garret! Get back here right now!"
"But Renee. . .Ma'am. . ."
"But what? How dare you think that you're in charge. I can have your job in a second. All I have to do is snap my fingers and. . ."
"Alright." Garret decided he'd better go along with her. Under his breath, he was muttering, "for now anyway. When Jordan gets here. . ."
"When what? Jordan? Why are you worried about her. You work for me!"
"They're almost to the field. Aren't you going to do something?"
"I suppose poisoned poppies will have to do. Since you've derailed my train of thought in your misguided attempt to escape." She turned to a computer, typed in her instructions and hit enter. In less than a second, one of the surveillance cameras showed poppies covering the path leading to Crypt City. "There we go. Let's see that incompetent egotistical little girl you hired as 'grief counselor' top that!"
Garret sighed and settled back on his haunches to await the instructions he knew were coming.
Jordan and the gang came to the edge of the forest. They all groaned when they saw the poppies.
"Why? Haven't we done enough with the drug references?" Peter groaned.
"Peter, you're the one reading stuff into it. They're just poppies that Renee. . .um, the Wicked Witch of the West has arranged to put us to sleep. But you're Scarecrow. You're not even one who's affected."
"Oh yeah. Wait, what's that bubble thing? Please don't tell me I'm. . ."
"It's Lily. . .um, Glenda!" Bug jumped up excitedly.
"Down boy." Jordan rolled her eyes.
Max patted Bug on the head. "It's ok. Just give it time. We'll get you a bit of a backbone before you know it."
Woody had been standing still, just observing. When he remembered what the poppies were supposed to do, he moved towards Jordan. "You cannot go through there. I will not let you!"
"Hey, I'm already in this ASC! What's a little more. . .?"
"No! I won't let you."
"Really? Then. . .whacha gonna do when ya rust? I've got the oil can farm boy!" She punched him playfully on the arm.
"Oh. Well. . ." Woody had to admit he was stuck.
"Ha! Now just follow me."
"Jordan, aren't we going to see what Glenda has for us?" Peter tugged at her sleeve.
"Oh. Sorry, I got. . .distracted." She turned and grinned at Woody. "Yeah, let's see what she has to tell us."
The shimmering golden bubble came closer and closer. Finally Lily stepped out of it. "Boy, I could get used to that mode of transportation."
"Lily!!!!!!!" The entire gang yelled. They were all more than ready for this to end.
"Lily, please. The sooner we finish this, the sooner I can come out of this ASC and get on with my life."
"Alright, alright. As I lack the ability to make it snow, I managed to procure some of these from the local Army-Navy Surplus." She pulled three gas masks from the bag she had over her shoulder. "These should get the three of you who are actually supposed to breathe across safely. Now go, quickly. The Wicked D.A. of. . ."
"Witch!" 5 voices chimed in.
"Yeah, whatever. She'll be after you soon. You know the rest. Go! You're almost to the Computer Wizard of Morgue."
"Alright. Thanks Lily!" Jordan slid her gas mask on, then helped Max/Lion put his on as his paws were getting in the way. Peter/Scarecrow helped Bug with his. And the little band trooped through the poppies.
They soon found themselves at the door to the City of Morgue. They started to reach for the bell when a hole opened and a familiar head poked out.
"What are you doing here?"
"Eddie! Hey!"
"Hey Jordan. Max, good to see you. Nice mane."
"Thanks Eddie."
"So wait, weren't we supposed to ring the bell and then there's all that. . ."
"Hey, we're high tech around here. I saw you coming from halfway across that field."
"Oh. Ok." Jordan looked at her party then back at Eddie. "We need to see the Computer Wizard of Morgue."
"Sorry. No one gets to see him. He just emails our orders."
"But we have to! He's got to help Dad get some courage to tell me the truth. To help Peter get enough confidence that we realize that he does have a brain. To give Woody some kind of armor around that heart of his. And to get me the hell out of this stupid ASC! Eddie, please!"
"Alright. I might lose my job for this, but I guess I owe you. Come on. I'll take you down to the door."
"But we have to. . ."
"Bug, shut up!" Jordan had had just about enough of his insistence on keeping the silliest parts of the movie true to form.
"Alright, alright. I'll play along. It is your ASC."
"Thank you."
Eddie led them to the door to the room that contained the Computer Wizard of Morgue. "Alright. Here you are. Go ahead. But don't say I didn't warn you. He has quite the temper."
Jordan raised a hand and knocked on the door.
"What?" A disgruntled British voice sounded.
"Oh great Computer Wizard, may we come in?"
"Fine. Whatever. I don't have the energy to fight right now. Come in."
"Nigel! Aren't you supposed to be behind a curtain or something?"
"I'm not interested my dear. I'm just so tired of only being thought of one way."
"Nigel, I don't think of you just in one way. You're so much more than what you can do with your computer." Jordan was trying to placate Nigel in the best way she knew how.
"Do you mind? I think I might get sick." Woody turned away from the scene in front of him.
"Oh my. No need to ask what you need. Don't you worry, Woody my man. We'll get that heart of yours girded up very nicely."
"Gee. Thanks."
"Now. You know the drill. Blah, blah, blah. Bring me the gavel of the Wicked D.A./Witch of the Courtroom/West. Then we'll see what we can do for each of you."
"Ok. But where do we find her?" Jordan was trying hard to remember that part of the movie.
"Oh, don't worry. Just take the bloodstained path and she'll find you soon enough."
"Alright. We'll be back soon." Jordan circled her troops and they waved at Nigel on their way out the door.
Nigel turned towards his computer screen and sighed. "I really hope she knows what she's doing this time. Renee is not one to be trifled with."
It didn't take long for our gang to reach the dark woods. Rather than warnings on signs, there were names. Names that caused Max to tremble. Cahill. . . Malden. . . Jeffers. . .
"Uh, Jordan? Maybe this isn't the best idea."
"Oh come on, Dad. Maybe that's how you're finally going to get the courage to tell me the truth. Being confronted with your past."
"Yes, well. . . We'll talk about that later."
"Is that a promise?"
"Count on it, sweetheart. I think I've done enough damage." Max gave Jordan a hug.
"Uh guys? I don't want to interrupt this tender moment, but. . . Look!â" Woody was pointing at the horizon. "What’s that?"
"I'm gonna take a wild guess and say it's a winged-monkey," Jordan and Peter said in unison.
"Jinx!" Peter shouted in triumph.
"Oh please. That is SO kindergarten." Jordan rolled her eyes ~ she felt like she was doing a lot more of that in this ASC, but what could she do.
"But wait. . ." Bug looked pensive. "If we're all accounted for. . . There's only one person left to cast, and you don't think. . ."
"Hello Garret." Jordan turned as the winged-monkey landed. "Nice outfit."
"Jordan, come here." Garret was whispering and signaling frantically. Jordan shrugged her shoulders and moved closer to him.
"What?"
"What the hell is this about? Didn't I help you out and give you time?"
"Yes. You did. But Garret, I don't have a lot of control in this ASC."
"Oh, I beg to differ. Every single one of them has a reason for being who they are."
"Except me!" Bug barked to get their attention.
"Well, yeah Bug. You are a mystery. But still. . ."
"Jordan, come on. You know I'm on your side here," Garret whispered, looking furtively around.
"Ok. I'll try to trust you."
"Good. Now, lean in closer. Anything could be bugged. And she can twist any little tiny scrap of. . ."
"Ok, ok. Come on. What is it?"
"I've got to take you to her castle. But I've got a plan. When she leaves you alone, I'll give you a signal and nod my head in the direction of a secret door that will lead you to her chambers. The gavel is on the bedside table."
"But there's not a trap door in the movie."
"You're going to get technical now?"
"Right. But what about them?"
"I'll show them a hiding place under the window of your room. They'll wait there. I'll find a way to get her into the room she's locked you in and I'll help you take care of her. Then we'll jump out of the window into their arms and run back to Crypt City and see the Computer Wizard."
"Ok. If you're sure. . ."
"I'm sure. Now make this look convincing." Garret released her and Jordan fell to the ground.
"No! Get away from me!" She beat at Garret with her hands and feet.
"You're coming with me." He turned and looked at Woody. "Hey, Tin Man! Follow me. I'll show you where to go." Then a little louder, he said, "You know how things are with budget cuts. Not enough money for more than one Monkey. We'll have to walk."
They proceeded up the bloodstained path until they were in the shadow of the courthouse. Garret nodded his head over to a small clearing underneath a tower. "Hide there in the bushes. It shouldn't be too long."
He ushered Jordan into the courthouse and took her up to the room Renee had already designated for her captivity.
"Well, well. Guess we see who's in charge now don't we." Renee sneered at Jordan.
Not trusting herself to not say something that could harm her career even more, Jordan kept her mouth shut.
"Well, for once you're silent. I'm impressed. Now. I have to at least give the impression of some leniency, so you've got until the sand runs out in this hourglass before I'll carry out your sentence. I'll be back soon." She cackled as she turned the large hourglass over. Looking at Garret, she said, "Come on. You're with me."
"Tick tock." Garret looked at Jordan and jerked his head ever so slightly to the bookshelf in the corner of the room.
As soon as the door slammed shut, Jordan ran over to the bookshelf and pushed it out of the way, revealing a door. She opened it and found herself standing in Renee's bedroom. Garret had said the gavel was on the bedside table.
Quickly, Jordan moved over towards the bed. There is was. My God, what did she do, sleep with the dang thing? Jordan grabbed it, shoved it in the bag she had slung over her shoulder, and quickly went into the room Renee had left her in, making sure to slide the bookcase back in place.
As she finished that, she heard Garret's voice calling for Renee. "I think something's wrong. I just heard her fall down. We need to get in there now!"
Jordan heard Renee muttering, but nevertheless there were footsteps in the hallway. The door opened and Renee came in, only to find herself covered in dust. Somehow Garret had rigged a bucket filled with ashes from the fireplace over the door and made a trap for Renee.
Renee coughed, trying to clear the dust from her mouth. Angrily she whirled at Garret. "You incompetent fool! I told you to dust earlier. Get me a glass of water. Now!"
Garret winked at Jordan and scampered off to get the requested water. Apparently Renee had forgotten the one weakness of the Wicked Witch of the West/Courthouse. It was all Jordan could do to keep a straight face.
"What are you laughing at? You're the one who's about to die."
"Really?"
"Yes. Just as soon as I. . . Good. There you are. Bring me that water now."
Garret shrugged his shoulders and looked at the 32 ounce cup he had retrieved, hoping it was enough. . . He started towards Renee, but as soon as he got just out of arm's reach, he tripped, sending the water flying into her face.
"Why you. . . What's happening?"
"You’re melting you. . ."
"Jordan, come on. Let's get out of here." Garret steered Jordan towards the window and yelled for the guys to get ready. They jumped out and managed to not damage themselves too much. Thankfully there were plenty of thick shrubs around to help break their falls.
The group took off towards Crypt City to deliver the gavel. It seemed like no time before they were back in front of Nigel's door.
"Hey dude! We got it. Here it is!!" Jordan produced the gavel from her bag and tossed it onto the desk.
"Well done. You melted her, I assume?"
"Yeah. Garret helped." Garret stepped out from behind the crowd.
"Oh my sweet Lord Garret. What is up with. . .?"
"Nigel, if you want a job, don't go there."
"Yes sir."
"Ok. So now what?" Jordan looked at Nigel.
"Well, in terms of Peter. . .Scarecrow here. I think we've learned that he really does have some intelligence. So I think he can return to his normal state."
"Yes!" Peter pumped his fist as he popped out of Jordan's ASC in a puff of smoke.
"As for Garret. . .?"
"Garret, why don't you just go home. Thanks for your help." Jordan bent and kissed Garret's head. Realizing Bug needed to go home as well, she shoved him in Garret's direction. "Here, take him with you."
"Alright. I'â„¢ll see you soon, I hope." Garret put his arm around Bug and in a puff, they vanished as well.
"Now. . . I think I'll leave the three of you alone." Nigel moved towards the door that would deliver him from this ASC.
"But wait! What about Dad's courage? And Woody's unprotected heart? And this stupid ASC?"
"Oh, yes. Well, I think I've seen some changes in Max as you went on your quest. Yes, yes. The Wicked D.A. wasn't the only one with surveillance cameras. I think he's beginning to realize what he needs to do. Max, why don't you come with me."
Max moved over towards Nigel.
"As for Woodrow, there are things that need to be said between the two of you. Alone. We'll see you later." Nigel and Max exited the door and a puff of smoke came under the door, leaving Woody and Jordan standing there looking at each other.
"Well, have you learned anything?" Jordan asked Woody.
"Only that I still love you and don't want to lose you."
"Woody! I. . ."
"It's ok, Jordan, you don't have to say anything." Woody moved closer to Jordan and reached out to stroke her hair. "Just know that I'm here. . . Just know that I'm here. . ." The scene went dark.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"What?" Jordan tried to open her eyes. What was going on? She felt someone stroking her hair, but God her head hurt. Finally she got her eyes to open and she tried to look around.
"There you are. Thank God." Woody leaned into her face, his eyes sparkling to match the smile on his face. Yet concern was written there as well. "Jordan? Baby, say something. Are you ok?"
"Woody? Where am I? What happened?"
"It's ok babe. You're in the ER. Remember the drink Malden gave you?"
"Oh. . .yeah. Damn my head hurts."
"I'm not surprised."
"You stayed with me the whole time?"
“Yeah. Ever since Max and I found you in your apartment.â€Â
"Oh my God. . .what about James? What hap-. . ."
"Shh. Don't worry about that now. Just get better. I'll be right here."
"Oh Woody. I'm sorry I've been so mean to you. I never meant to hurt. . ."
"Jordan, hush. It's ok."
"Where's Dad?" Jordan looked around the small room.
"I'm right here, baby. I just had to take care of some things."
"Oh Dad. It's ok. I know you did the best you knew how. You don't have to be afraid to tell me anything."
"Is she ok?" Max looked at Woody questioningly.
"I think so. The doctors said she would be at any rate. But she is. . ."
"Hey there kiddo. How're you feeling?" Garret stepped into the room followed by Nigel, Bug, Peter and Lily.
"Garret! You're not. . . I mean, you're here and not with her. And Peter. I'm sorry I thought you were dumb. And Nigel. I'm so sorry we only think of you as doing computers. And Lily, I'm sorry I got mad at you. I know you were only trying to do what you thought was right. And Bug. Bug, you can sing anytime you want to."
"Um, Max? Is she. . .?" Garret tried unsuccessfully to hide his concern.
"I'm fine. I'm. . .I'm spinning, but I'm fine. I'm back. I'm in Boston. And you're all my friends and family. And I love you all." Jordan looked around at her friends and her father. She pushed herself into a sitting position and grabbed Woody's hand, pulling him to her side.
"And Woody. . .Woody, you always wear your heart on your sleeve. I want you to know something." She looked around the room. "And I want all of you to know it too."
"What's that Jordan?" Woody was genuinely curious, but at the same time a little scared.
"I love you." Jordan grinned at him. "Come here."
As the room erupted in cheers, she pulled his face towards hers and kissed him full on the mouth.
Hearing the cheers, the doctor made his way into the room. "Well, well. Looks like our patient is awake. Here are your clothes. Guess all I need to do now is sign this and you can get out of here. And try to remember not to take drinks from strangers ~ or corrupt police officers ~ again young lady."
"Yes sir! Don't worry. I'm not in the mood for another trip through that altered state of consciousness any time soon." Jordan moved to get off the bed.
"But wait. . . Altered state of consciousness?" Woody put a hand on Jordan's shoulder. "Did you mean. . ."
"Guess you'll have to wait and see, farm boy!" Jordan winked at him playfully. Her wild ride might be over for now, but Woody's was just beginning.
Finito!
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